Spartacus Beal of the advocacy group, Zombie Rights Alliance (ZRA) told reporters at a press conference that current stereotypes of zombies are offensive to zombies and humans who are sympathetic to the current plight of the undead.
“They [zombies] can no longer speak for themselves and they can’t help what they have become,” Beal said at the standing-room-only gathering. Beal went on to explain that the plight of zombies is misunderstood and much maligned by the living and his organization tries to dispel those myths and banish stereotypes.
“Not all zombies try to eat brains,” Beal said. “That is simply a device and a bit of misinformation continually presented by modern zombie movies and lore. The truth is, most zombies find the flavor of brains distasteful.”
So what do zombies crave? Beal said his research and work with roaming hordes of zombies over the past 10 years has led him to the conclusion that zombies prefer internal, visceral organs. He said that he does know of many zombies who do enjoy nibbles of fingers, but in short, Beal said that zombies could be fed raw hamburger and would be satisfied, giving them the potential for integration back into civilized society.
Beal went on to say that he doesn’t believe all zombies carry the zombie virus that created their undead, flesheating state.
“Without testing, we can’t know that all zombies are carriers of the zombie virus. It is unfair to lump all of them together and assume they are all infected and will transmit the infection,” Beal surmised.
Beal’s solution to zombie outbreaks? “We must stop killing these zombies, they were people just like us. We can work together with the zombies for a peaceful solution to our differences,” Beal insisted.
Beal’s 1,000 page manifesto, “The Plight of Zombies in America” spells out his solutions for integrating zombies back into society. Part of his plan includes teaching zombies simple skills that will help them find jobs, providing raw meat commodities for all zombies, banning zombie killing and giving zombies protected status in the United States.
Opponents of Beal’s plans say that zombies have lost all reasoning capabilities due to deterioration of the brain and cannot re-learn what they have lost. Because of this, opponents say, zombies are more likely to eat you than listen to you as you try to help them.
Beal will continue to recruit human proponents of zombie rights in an effort to spread the word. He is scheduled to give a speech on the rights of zombies at the Lincoln Memorial next week.
UPDATE: Spartacus Beal, founder of Zombie Rights Alliance was fatally bitten by a zombie he was trying to assist shortly after this report was published. According to eyewitnesses, Beal was attempting to make contact with a rogue zombie. Reportedly, Beal was trying to offer raw hamburger to the zombie as he said “All zombies just want to be loved” before the zombie attacked.
Beal’s successor as Head of the ZRA, Wilhelm Fark, made a public statement regarding Beal’s unfortunate death: “We at the ZRA are saddened and distraught over the circumstances of Spartacus Beal’s death. He died doing what he loved – helping unfortunate zombies, and he would want us to carry on in his name. Unfortunately, both Spartacus and the zombie who attacked him were both killed by a bloodthirsty band of zombie hunters before they had a chance to meet their full potential as zombies. We will never forget what Spartacus has taught us and the ZRA will continue to march forward in the fight for the humane and loving treatment of zombies everywhere.”
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