April 26th 2010 was the first day that I stopped believing in God. Up until that date I believed that God and I had a pretty good relationship. No matter what task I would undertake I would always find myself muttering under my breath “Please God, help me get through this”. Somehow God would always come through for me. That is however, until that one day when God let me down.
Very early that morning my husband woke me up from a deep sleep and said that he felt for some reason he didn’t want to go to work that day. He asked me to call out sick for him, something we’ve done often for each other through the years. This morning in particular I didn’t feel like calling in sick for him and I closed my eyes and fell back into a deep sleep. Moments later I was woken up to the sound of my house phone ringing. Since I had just fallen back to sleep I stated to my husband “Let the machine pick it up”. It was Maimonides Medical Center. My Mother had been in and out of the hospital with a Diabetic infection since January. I was used to hearing Dr’s and Hospitals call me and after a while you just let the machine get it because you think it’s nothing serious. The Dr. said to call him back that it was something that had to do with my Mother’s condition. After I heard him leave the message I began to close my eyes once again. Not even two minutes later the Nurse’s station from the hospital called me. They said it was rather urgent and I must call back immediately. This time I jumped up and grabbed the phone as fast as I could. The nurse was very nice and I announced to her that I was sleeping and she apologized for calling me at such an early hour but something was wrong with my Mom and the Dr. would like to speak to me.
The Dr. got on the phone and began to tell me how sorry he was but my Mother’s condition had worsened over the weekend and her organs were failing her. He said that she was too weak to survive on her own so they had placed her on a respirator. At that moment I knew I had to say goodbye. I began to tell the Dr. that my Mom was DNR and that he had to remove her from the respirator immediately. As if it were any other time in my life he began to put me on hold while I listened to some sappy elevator music as they unplugged the machine keeping my Mom alive.
By that point my husband was already awake and he was aware of what was going on. As the Dr. continued to say how sorry he was on the other end of the phone I fell to the floor with the phone in my hand and began to cry. My husband came over to me and picked me up off of the floor and help me over to the bed.
I knew that I had so many phone calls to make but at the same time I kept thinking in the back of my head “Why did you let me down God”? You’ve always been there for me in the past, why is this time different?
Since that day I have done extensive research on-line about God and what happens to you when you die. Through all of my research I have found no evidence to date that God does exist. I also tried to figure out why God took my Mother away from me when I wasn’t ready to let her leave yet. God is simply something that was made up by man. When you die your body goes back into the earth and becomes dust. You came from dust and you become dust once again. I think all of us have a light inside of us that keeps us going on a daily basis, however I highly doubt that this is God.
Two weeks ago my husband suffered a heart attack at only 49 years of age. Once again I questioned “Why God, why”? Only to remind myself that this is nearly a reflex of asking God a question. I was born and raised Catholic and brought up that when we have problems in our lives, we lean on God. Through my husbands illness I have learned to lean on no one but myself. The only person that is truly there for me through the good times and the bad is myself.