The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I can say this because not only have I seen Twilight and Twilight: New Moon, but because my seven year-old son is an ardent fan of SyFy Channel flicks such as Dinocroc VS Supergater and Spring Break Shark Attack. I have seen bad movies.
My official Twilight Eclipse review must officially state that I have in fact seen worse movies than this, because to read the following, I fear one might assume I found Twilight Eclipse to be absolutely the most vile piece of self-serving crap Hollywood has ever shit out.
Twilight Eclipse Plot Spoiler Alert!
I won’t be sanitizing this Eclipse review to preserve the intricate and mind-blowing plot line for those who have not yet seen the film. Mainly because there was no intricate and mind-blowing plot line, and I’m hard-pressed to regard Eclipse as a ‘film’. Also, I just don’t feel like it. So, beware: there be Twilight Eclipse spoilers in this here Eclipse review!
Twilight Eclipse Review: Kristen Stewart Still Irritating, Taylor Lautner Still Shirtless
Since the inception of this series, something has bothered me. Someone, actually. I know I’m not making any friends among the Twi-Hards here, but Bella Swan is either the most insipid (look it up) and annoying character ever to be taken from the page to the screen, or Kristen Stewart is just a terrible actress. On second thought, it may be both.
This humble The Twilight Saga: Eclipse review does recognize that Kristen Stewart (as Bella) should earn a few points for improvement throughout the Saga, simply for toning down the fake, vacant facial expressions more in the Eclipse movie than in the past installments. In the first movie, Twilight, I thought she might just go into a full seizure, and I spent much of the movie quite concerned. Between the fervent blinking, and the heavy breathing at moments heavy breathing wasn’t called for, I was convinced Kristen Stewart would just fall on the floor at some point, and literally fade away into thin air from her implied frailty. Sadly, this never happened.
In The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) are still deeply entwined in a passionate love affair (but no lovin’, of course; she’s just 17, after all, and everyone knows 17 year-old girls don’t have sex. Until marriage. Ever. Yawn.). Bella is being hunted by an army of Newborns: fledgling vampires running amok in Seattle, who eventually head over to Forks to confront the Cullen clan and try to kill Bella. Twilight Eclipse spoiler alert: yes, Victoria sent them after her. Of course she did.
The new-and-improved Victoria doesn’t get far in her plans; her Newborn army gets their asses handed to them, and Edward kills Victoria by breaking her neck on top of a mountain where she came to ambush a hidden-away Bella. The action scenes were the only thing holding this movie together, so thank goodness for them.
Twilight Eclipse Review: Bella Gets Engaged To Edward, Makes Out With Jacob
Jacob, who had engaged in a pact between his wolf pack and the Cullen clan vamps to try and protect Bella and fight the Newborn army, was injured in the clash, though he was later healed by Dr. Carlisle. Another TwilightEclipse review spoiler alert: Jacob and Bella kiss, twice. But as Jacob puts it after their second kiss, the first never should have happened. “That should have been our first kiss.” he breathes to her. Cue teenage girls swooning. Though newly engaged to Edward (yup, Edward pops the questions and Bella says yes! to getting married. After high school graduation, of course.), Bella didn’t want to let go of Jacob and tells him to kiss her. But she’s absolutely sure she wants to marry Edward as soon as she graduates high school and then have him turn her into a vampire forever. Yeah….makes perfect sense to me. What?!?
The main reason this Twilight Eclipse review may seem so negative is because, in terms of writing, acting and direction, this was just not a good movie. At the end of the day, the endless clichés, predictable lines, and go-nowhere plot points only showcased what awful actors Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner are; Rob Pattinson gets a pass just for faking that American accent so well. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse tried hard, too hard, to be something epic and important. At it’s core, though, it is what it is: another installment in a fantasy teen romance franchise that has to fully run it’s course before it will die.
Twilight Eclipse Review: Two Stars Is Being Kind…
This Twilight Eclipse review shouldn’t surprise anyone familiar with the series. Two stars out of five is generous, and is granted for some decent action scenes, Taylor Lautner shirtless multiple times, and an effort at including some comedy. There were several laugh-worthy lines, but even some of these lighter moments seemed sort of canned and contrived. Plus, Dakota Fanning was in it, and I love watching Dakota Fanning grow up and take new types of roles. Bryce Dallas Howard played a convincing, if short-lived, Victoria under-study in Eclipse.