I know my eyes are getting older, as is every other original part still attached to my body, but surely I didn’t see what I just thought I saw: a pickup truck with a pair of testicles hanging from the now appropriately named ball hitch. Wait, this is the United States of America and yep, that’s a pair of male ding dongs swinging their way down the highway. I don’t know whether to be offended at the owner’s lack of sensibility for others or to ask what message he’s trying to send. Is he trying to state he drives a boy truck, is he advertising for a lost penis, or did he castrate a bull and needed a place to dry the gonads for a future prairie oyster stew? Now, I am not embarrassed by sex organs, whether on animals or people. Animals don’t wear clothes, so you’re going to see what you see no matter what. Growing up in the country, animal nudity is a fact of life. As far as I know, only city people try to dress their animals. However, naked animals don’t have that sick smirk humans have when they flash their whoopie parts in public. It’s just that in people, I prefer to choose if I see the proffered genitalia or not. I don’t like strange people whipping open their overcoats to flash you know what in my face. Maybe Mr Nuts-on-wheels thinks his particular set is bigger or badder than all the rest. If so, I don’t think he’d really have to advertise. His wife would surely know that by now. If he is single, well…word of mouth has been replaced by the internet, texting and sexting so again, no need to advertise. Perhaps he wishes to alert other drivers to keep their distance, lest his testosterone-powered truck trounce their lesser vehicles.
At one time, ownership of a pickup truck, even a tiny Datsun (ask your granddad about that) was a sign of manly things. Real men with real work to do drove trucks, hauling lumber, car parts, furniture and the occasional picnic basket for their fortunate female companions. Now everyone drives trucks, males and females alike and so some poor saps feel the need to buy marbles to feel like a guy again. Now, these are not real, flesh and blood testicles, so I’m told, but counterfeits made of plastics or synthetic material. It’s not like Mr Nuts killed a bull barehanded or shot a lion, but instead plunked down a few dollars at the local testicle shop and hollered, “Gimme me some big ones!”. “Hollered” is country for “yelled” by the way. Can you imagine having to sell fake testicles for a living? That would be almost as embarrassing as writing for a living, but probably pays better. Perhaps money and sex are the reason for the testicles on trucks craze. While being a loving, decent and caring man won’t bring panting women by the ton to your doorstep, flashing a set of bull balls will at least tell the ladies, and I use the term loosely, that if nothing else, you’ve had some money to waste in recent history. That implies employment of some kind, or at least a welfare check and that is sexy enough for some women. Of course, she may be the kind to want something different for her truck, something equally nasty in a female version. I just hope I don’t see one rolling down the highway anytime soon.