Recently, President Obama and his family headed to the state of Maine for some relaxation and time together. Though the secret briefcase which carries the nuclear launch codes always travels with the President, vice president Joe Biden relishes such times when he gets the White House all to himself. The vice president who has no real constitutional function in federal government, enjoys the opportunity to “play president” for a couple days. Listed below are ten things that vice president Joe Biden does when the Obamas arre on vacation.
1. When the President is away Joe Biden likes to sit in president’s chair in the Oval Office and pretend to hold important conversations with world leaders. When his first did this he accidentally picked up the red phone to Russia and had to apologize to a half awake Vladimir Putin who believed that nuclear war had broken out.
2. On occasion he likes to head down to the top secret White House bunker and raid the secret presidential refrigerator which is always stocked full of pies for the president to eat should the White House come under attack.
3. Though it is normally off limits to him when the President is in town, the vice president usually likes sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom while he reads one of the many autobiographies about Abraham Lincoln as he reflects on the “enormous historosity” of the White House.
4. To test the Air Force’s readiness and preparedness, he often calls Andrews Air Force base and tells them to, “have a plane fueled up and ready to go in 15 minutes.” He then flies the plane to global destinations selected by throwing a dart at a map.
5. He often greets White House tours, while the President is away, and shows tourists where the President works and sleeps, and even lets some of them get a special glimpse at his secret presidential diary.
6. Sometimes the vice president will use the time to tend to the White House vegetable garden. Though recently, Michelle Obama has forbidden him from doing so because he usually rips up the vegetables and leaves the weeds.
7. Once he used a special “executive order” made under the pretense that the President could not be reached in order to grant the state of Delaware all present and future immunity from federal taxes. Though obviously done as a practical joke, Congress has not got around to fixing this abuse of power yet.
8. Occasionally he will use the top secret White House nerve center, called the “Situation Room”, to keep an eye on his home in Delaware by flying a predator drone around the property at night. Aides say he also uses the predator drones to “stake out” possible suspicious Americans, such as Michael Moore, who he believes are up to no good based on his laser sharp “gut feelings.”
9. Though president Obama is notoriously a bad bowler, Joe Biden loves to bowl and once won a national championship. Usually a couple minutes after the First Family has left the property, he organizes a “White House Bowling Championship” which is usually attended by over half the White House staff.
10. Often times he will order that the White House pool be immediately drained of water and filled with jelly beans so that he can take a swim “without getting wet”, and so that he can meditate on “the life of a gum drop.”
For the top ten explanations for a mysterious purchase of massive amounts of cocoa beans, click here.