It was recently announced to the press that Queen Elizabeth, on her summer of 2010 Royalty Tour: Elizabeth Unplugged, visited the headquarters of Blackberry smart phone maker, Research In Motion, in Canada. Apparently, her royal majesty is a fan of Blackberries, and uses them to keep in touch with her royal clan, (though apparently Prince Charles has yet to master the QWERTY keyboard). During the visit, the queen was presented with a special Royal version of the blackberry that just happened to be lying around (the Queen ordered it months ago) with functions reserved only for royalty and other heads of state. While the facts surrounding what the phone can do are very hush, hush; 10 of the secret functions are listed below:
1. The phone has on speed dial a number of the world’s leaders including U.S. President Barrack Obama, and the president of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev. She once accidentally called President Obama’s cell phone in the middle of the night when she sat on the phone. Michelle Obama was upset and demanded that the president tell her who “Elizabeth” was and why she was calling him in the middle of the night.
2. The phone also stores the launch codes for Britain’s nuclear missiles, and is stored only within the Queen’s designer line of bulletproof hand bags.
3. The phone, which is protected by the best password encryption technology available, also has an exact map showing the location where the queen has hidden the crown jewels.
4. The phone has an advanced GPS tracking map which updates the Queen every 15 minutes as to the exact location of all of her offspring and grandchildren. Rumors have that that she’s use this feature to avoid talking to Prince Charles for the past three months.
5. The phone receives regular classified material obtained through the wiretaps of a number of British and American citizens, many of them celebrities, which the queen loves to read about.
6. A special application called “Castle Real Estate View” updates the Queen on the value of her many properties, and when might be a good time to sell royal property.
7. Another application called “Royal Watch” scans the Internet for posts and news stories about the royal family, and condenses them down into four sentence summaries. The Queen uses this information to stay abreast of what her subjects, and her critics, are saying about her.
8. A special feature called “Polo Tracker” updates the Queen on polo matches, and also horse races, occurring around the world. It also allows her to communicate with a variety of horse trainers and veterinarians so that the care of her horses is always top notch.
9. A highly controversial, and rumored, application is one that allows her to check the status of the secret prisoner being held in a secret room inside Big Ben in London. Rumors have circulated for decades that this person, locked inside in an iron mask no less, is actually the twin brother of Prince Charles. His existence would initiate a constitutional crisis which could topple the monarchy if his existence was made public.
10. A secret button on the phone charges an electric fence around Windsor Castle which keeps the queen’s pet Corgis on the property, in addition to Prince Charles.
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