Recently, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was grilled by a congressional committee over her qualifications for the nation’s highest court. Many were upset that other notables were passed up, although they applauded that Kagan was not a judge in the past because in the words of one senator who spoke off the record, “the Supreme Court has been messing up a lot lately and it’s because of all those judges.” Listed below are ten people who were on the “short list” for President Obama’s nomination to the Supreme Court:
1. Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith Show. Supporters believe that Barney’s down to earth “goodness” and extreme lack of awareness of how courts run would be an asset.
2. Ronald McDonald. Fearing a wave of “anti-fast food legislation”, the super-sized food giant wanted one of their own on the nation’s highest court so that American will never lose the right to eat food that doesn’t meet the standards for pet food in some states.
3. Judge Harry Stone from the popular television show “Night Court.” Six in ten Americans wanted him to be nominated to the Supreme Court, and three in ten Americans believe that he is a real judge.
4. Al Gore. Environmentalists wanted one of their own on the higher court so that class action lawsuits against oil companies and other polluters could begin. This nomination was derailed when it was revealed that he was having an affair with long time green activist Laurie David and that they had played “patty cake” instead of attending all of the Earth Day Activities available to them.
5. Nancy Grace. The long time television reporter, and celebrity crime gossip gal, had been “drafted” to the Supreme Court by fans who have loved watching her daily, and exceedingly tedious, coverage of the Van Der Sloot murders. They believe that electing her to the Supreme Court would force it to take up more interesting cases, such as those involving unsolved murders.
6. Bill Clinton was long considered for nomination by the White House, mostly to give the former ex-president something to do and to keep from using Camp David for impromptu vacations. However, since Clinton insisted on being in charge of the Supreme Court intern program, this idea was quietly shelved.
7. Linday Lohan’s name was frequently mentioned as the Supreme Court doesn’t have someone who is a known recidivist drug abuser, and it was believed that her addition to the court would add needed diversity, at least according to both of her fans. The White House declined to comment on the petition.
8. Joe Biden’s name was floated as well when it was learned that he might not be running with President Obama in the 2012 election. The vice president told reporters under the condition of anonymity that his present position, “wasn’t nearly as powerful as he was lead to believe it would be” as he was hoping he would get as much decision making authority as Dick Cheney. However, when asked how many judges were on the Supreme Court the vice president incorrectly said “five” and also said that the purpose of the court was to both “make laws and adjust the Constitution for cultural inflation.” This confused legal experts and subsequently killed speculation about his possible nomination.
9. Hillary Rodham Clinton. The former first lady has long had her eyes on the bench’s top spot, but when told that she couldn’t be both Secretary of State and a supreme court judge at the same time she decided to pull her hat out of the ring and hold out for a Latin American dictatorship instead.
10. The Pilsbury Dough Boy. Fans and disinterested parties agreed in surveys that he would probably be the most impartial person they could find for the Supreme Court. However, some feared that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who eats everything in sight including raw dough, might “accidentally” eat him should they work together on cases. In addition, a day at the beach caused the Pilsbury Dough Boy to partial “cook” on one side, meaning that his nomination is already half baked.
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