The FBI announced today that 11 deep under cover Russian agents had been arrested in the United States. Their mission was to hide uncovered posing as normal families, and then to infiltrate various government and American institutions. Federal authorities first became aware of the spy ring when several of its members were seen at a Five Guy Burgers in Washington D.C. joking about how they had pulled a good one on Uncle Sam. Details include money caches buried in empty fields and secret documents hidden in identical pieces of luggage. However, what may be even more surprising is who the Russian spies are, list below are ten rumored identities for the would-be Russian spies:
1. Howie Mandel. Apparently on his “Deal or No Deal” show there were secret being passed in those grey metal briefcases, along with huge sums of money. Who would have ever thought that somebody could use a game show as a cover for a spy ring? Uncle Sam says “No Deal.”
2. Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. She almost made it to the nation’s top court while collecting huge pay checks from Moscow. Had she actually been confirmed who knows what damage she could have done.
3. Robert Downey Jr. Apparently the actor who starred in Iron Man also once hid behind the Iron Curtain in Russia. Confidential sources tell me that the real Robert Downey Jr. still has a serious drug addiction problem and has been imprisoned in a psychiatric hospital in Silver Springs Maryland for the past ten years while a look alike revived his film career. No word on what this means for Iron Man 3.
4. Al Gore. Apparently the Russians hired him after his 2000 election defeat in order to make Americans believe in the power of going green to avoid the further pollution of Russian fishing waters. This all ended when Tipper discovered that her husband was a spy after which she promptly divorced him. Moscow had hoped that their Gore would become the 2008 “compromise candidate” and thus would win the White House.
5. Lady Gaga. Pop singer who fashion sense is even more deranged than Madonna’s recently flipped off photographers at a baseball game. Apparently her hatred of the United States is real, and not a publicity stunt, as she is one of Moscow’s deep cover agents sent to the United States to embarrass the country. Apparently her “poke face” was hiding the mind of one of the KGB’s best spies.
6. Ronald McDonald. Many aren’t surprised by this development, especially as he always claimed that his hair was dyed “Russian Red” in honor of the “mother country.” His objective was to get Americans hooked on unhealthy fast food which would sky rocket obesity rates and make the country less competitive world wide. Of all the spies caught he was smiling and mouthed the words “Mission Accomplished” to a reporter before being taken away.
7. Jay Leno. Apparently the overachieving late night comedian, who also repairs cars and writes articles for Popular Mechanic, also was working for the Russians. After Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California, Russian spy masters thought that Leno might one day be elected to office as well. A frantic Jay claimed that it was his plan to be a “quadruple agent” and that he was trying to do the country a service. While still working as a stand up comedian in L.A. while hosting the Tonight Show, friends confide that Leno has rarely, if ever, turned down a paying gig.
8. Chelsea Clinton, heir apparent to the Clinton political legacy was recruited years ago when the only child of the former president decided to work on Wall Street. Chelsea said that she did it due to years of being ignored in the press when she was the First Daughter and because she planned on immigrating to Russia at some point in the future.
9. Barney Frank. Long time serving Massachusetts legislator was charged with having given Russians information while being on the House financial committee in the years before the great recession. Pundits are speculating whether the current economic downturn was all just a KGB plot gone wrong, and if Barney Frank somehow played a key, but nefarious, role.
10. Michael Moore. Popular documentary filmmaker who sometimes went to great lengths to prove his point has been identified as the group’s ring leader. Apparently the Russians encouraged Michael to make films about the United States which cast a negative light on politicians and greedy capitalistic corporations. Indeed, many of Mr. Moore’s targets have been politicians. After being arrested the filmmaker shrugged as he was stuffed into a police car.
*The 11th Russian spy is believed to be Joe Biden, but we are still waiting for confirmation of this information.
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