For sports fans out there like myself, video games are a great way to get that sports fix when there isn’t a game on. Football, baseball, basketball, hockey and racing all have ample video game franchises to choose from. Many times these games feature a particular player, as in Tiger Woods Golf or Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!
What, though, if we based these character-based sports games on what the individual or individuals are really like instead of their perceived sports acumen? With this question in mind, I submit to you my top ten choices for sports video games we don’t want to see.
10) BCS Monopoly. Play as the BCS chairman to squeeze out worthy teams and conferences from having even a whiff of a chance at a national championship, regardless of whether or not they’re undefeated.
9) Tiger Woods’ Erase the Evidence. Destroy those incriminating phone messages! Pay off hotel employees that might have seen a little too much! Do whatever it takes to keep your philandering out of the public eye.
8) Matt Millen’s Front Office Fiasco. Take control of a lousy NFL team and work to make it the lousiest of all time.
7) Labor Law Practice Challenge! Play as Nike hucksters Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, or Lebron James as they try to wheel and deal ways to get those Chinese laborers to take even less money to make those shoes, jerseys, and baseball caps.
6) No Rules is Good Rules. Play as John Calipari, Pete Carroll, or Lou Holtz as you try to rack up as many wins in either college basketball or football before the NCAA imposes sanctions. Bonus points if you ditch your school for another one before getting caught.
5) Ben Roethlisberger and Lawrence Taylor’s Beer Barrel Bonanza. A two-player game where you compete against a friend to see who can get the most underage women drunk.
4) Full Court Shootout with Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. Battle it out in the NBA locker room with these two gun totin’ ballers.
3) Roid Rage Featuring Barry Bonds. Pump up Barry and watch him take on reporters, fellow ‘roid users like Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire, and anybody that even looks the wrong way at him.
2) Lockout Frenzy! Based on 2004-2005 NHL season, play as either greedy, idiotic Bob Goodenow, or greedy idiotic Gary Bettman as they battle to ruin hockey.
1) Dog Fighting Hosted by Michael Vick. Watch the fur fly as you bet on which canine friend survives in this “dog eat dog” game.
As this list shows, sports desperately needs some heroes. Go out there and support them instead of the clowns that made this list.