Athletes, illiterate music stars and random crime witnesses who appear on the 6 O-Clock news all have one thing in common. They all, for reasons only known to them, assume that everyone else in the world knows what they are sayin’. It couldn’t be future from the truth. Seeing as they are clueless as to why interviewers ask them questions, that we all supposedly already know the answer to, I’ve compiles a list explaining why need to stop rambling and answer the freaking question already.
1.) Not everyone is a psychic.
Last time I checked, Ms. Cleo was out of business, so I don’t know who to go to for a daily dose of sports driven soothsayin’, know what I’m sayin’?
2.) You have yet to say anything intelligible.
Don’t start a sentence or statement off with the phrase “you know…”. It’s redundant. If you do that, don’t even bother saying anything else. Those two words were the meat and potatoes of your entire thought process. Anything that follows is nothing more than empty calories.
3.) You’re famous.
Depending on your profession, you could be someone who is known world wide. your are being interviewed for a reason. Said reason relates to your accomplishments. The average person has no idea what you experience on a daily basis. Stop being a dickweed and tell us normal folk a little something about your self without the use of either “you know” or “I did not inhale.”
4.) I’m Bored, and you have yet to change that.
Why you hate me so much anyway? You don’t even know me, but I assume this outright refusal to say anything of relevance was born out of angst. You should feel honored that I haven’t changed the channel. I feel like I wasted my time by not doing so.
5.) Your kind of a big deal.
You’re the Quarterback/Point Guard/Overpaid CEO of a failed company/Rapper with more baby mama’s than chart topping hits to his name. Wow everybody with your superior linguistic ability. Don’t have that? Surely you can afford to take classes that teach the art of the word smith.
6.) We live in a world full of people with short attention spans.
More often than not, people forget the question being asked when it comes time for you to open your mouth to respond. Try to repeat the question before adding your own two cents. Doing so gives the impression that the wheels in your head are turning, and you might some up with something interesting to say(even if that isn’t always the case.)
7.) Groupies have the tendency of getting moody.
They worship the booze and drug laden ground your walk on. Every time an athlete says “you know…” at the beginning of a sentence, a groupie invertible falls down, smacks their head on a shelf that holds the limited edition commemorative plate with your face on it, and cries when it shatters into a million pieces.
8.) You’re a celebrity, not a Rhodes Scholar.
I mean no disrespect, but expectations aren’t that high when a microphone in placed anywhere here your face during an interview. Unless the subject has anything to do with inspiring kids to chase their dreams and to never give up, no real nuggets on wisdom are expected. Even then, you should get the point and quit your lallygagging!
9.) You obviously know something we don’t.
No point in being all secretive about it. Spill the beans, and the mean ole’ interviewer and inconspicuous camera person will eventually leave you alone. If you refuse tell us the launch code for Project Keg Can, we will be forced to extract this information using other, less pleasant means.
10.) I have better things to do.
Congratulations on winning the championship in your chosen sport, now get the heck off the field so they can turn the cameras off and goto Sports Center. Instead of listening to your incoherent babbling, I could be watching highlights of the game I just say you participate in for the past 2 and a half hours. Doing that takes significantly less time than deciphering what your response was to “How do you feel right now?”.