This article was inspired by Associated Content contributor Frank Mucci, whose picture of college girls in bikinis touched off some stimulating intellectual discussion among his colleagues.
What do you do when you don’t know the meaning of a word? You open a dictionary, right? Okay, okay! I know this is the 21st Century. You google the word and click on whatever definition comes up first, hoping it’s the right one. At any rate, you find it somewhere.
It has occurred to me that women, including — although not limited to — us heterosexual women, need our own dictionary: one that captures the English language as spoken by us. This is a small start. I am writing this quickly because I need to publish stuff in order to climb up the clout ladder here on Associated Content, so don’t expect anything scholarly. This will have to do until someone comes up with something better.
A**hole. A generic negative masculine noun, usually applied to an ex-boyfriend, an ex-husband, an obnoxious boss or the idiot in the SUV who cuts you off in traffic.
Big-boned. Your favorite excuse for excess weight. Ex.: I’m not really fat; I’m big-boned.
Bitch. A generic negative feminine noun, often applied to an obnoxious boss, an unpleasant relative or whoever you think is trying to steal your boyfriend or husband. Not to be confused with a female dog, although there are some people who can’t tell the difference.
Casablanca. Your favorite romantic movie: the one you always make your boyfriend/husband sit through every time it comes on TV.
Fashion. Clothes that look good only on skinny models and which you can’t afford, anyway.
Fat. An adjective used to describe every overweight person other than you. You, yourself, are big-boned.
Football. Your husband/boyfriend’s excuse for not helping you prepare Thanksgiving dinner.
Hottie. A really great looking, sexy man. This is the kind of guy who works out every day in the gym and looks great in a pair of tight jeans. Hormones squirt furiously all through your body when you see him. Even if you are single and available, your chances of being asked out by him are less than zero, because: (1) he is already taken; (2) he is gay; (3) he is already taken and gay; or (3) you’re not anywhere near his type.
F***ing Jerk Moron. A jerk moron who goes around telling all the other guys that you have been sleeping with him, when you actually won’t go anywhere near him if you can help it.
Jerk Moron. A really unattractive slob who is constantly hitting on you. Because you don’t want to hurt his feelings, you find a polite way to turn him down every time he comes at you. Unfortunately, he interprets politeness as encouragement. Because he has staked a kind of claim on you, though, any chance you have had of snagging one of the local hotties has been kyboshed.
Model. A gorgeous woman in an airbrushed picture in a magazine, or strutting down a runway, who makes your life miserable because you don’t look like that, even though you would give up anything except chocolate to look like that.
Sexy-Ugly. An adjective used to describe a guy who isn’t good looking, but is so cute, funny and/or smart that a lot of women find him sexy, anyway.
Skank. See slut.
Slut. Any woman who is better looking than you are, especially one who has an easier time attracting the hotties. Think Jolene.[i] Enough said. (Thank you, Dolly Parton.) Frank Mucci’s bikini-clad college girls also fall under this category.
What-a-Waste. A gay hottie.
My own experience and mildly quirky brain
Frank Mucci, How to Write Right:http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5579976/how_to_write_right.html?cat=60
and the sequel: How to Write Right, the Sequel: Return of the Drunken College Girls in Bikinis:http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5587684/how_to_write_right_the_sequel_return.html?cat=60
[i]Jolene, words and music by Dolly Parton. Copyright 1973, Velvet Apple Music. All rights reserved. Recorded on her 1974 album of the same name.