Tonight’s episode of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” felt like one long audition tape featuring a bunch of interlopers jockeying for position as the newest Real Housewife of New Jersey. We’ve got pot-stirrer Kim G. in one corner, who’s (badly) playing both sides of the street; perpetually wasted Kim D. who determines it’s in her best interest – from a business standpoint – to be buddy-buddy with Desperate Danielle. So what if the woman never pays her tab? Finally, we had a surprise entry in the form of Teresa’s party planner, Elvira, who, according to Andy Cohen, is sending out press releases claiming she’s been anointed the new Real Housewife of New Jersey (she also made an appearance on “Bethenny’s Getting Married?”) The only thing good about all these wannabes is that they briefly took the focus off of Desperate Danielle.
Moving on to the ladies who are actually paid by Bravo to be Real Housewives of New Jersey, Caroline, Jacqueline and Teresa gathered for lunch to lament the loss of Dina from the fold. The disastrous cancer fundraiser is revisited and Teresa is convinced Desperate Danielle will retaliate in some way. Speaking of Desperate Danielle, she is desperately seeking new breasts, as she visits with a plastic surgeon to evaluate her misshapen, silicone-filled breasts. In addition to flashing the nurse during her exam, Desperate Danielle seems to be eyeing the hapless woman as well. Probably looking for a new neck to suck dry. Later, as Desperate Danielle gets her “breast revision” the surgeon looks horrified by the “deformities” of her bosom and for a moment, he looks like he wants to call the whole thing off. He perseveres and molds Desperate Danielle’s bubbies into something fit for human consumption.
Besides bubbies, domestic dramas took center stage this week, specifically regarding The Real Kids of New Jersey. Ashley is summoned to the Laurita home for a chat with Jacqueline and Chris about her behavior at the poker party. Chris tells her she needs to respect him and Jacqueline and a chastened Ashley admits she has a nasty tempter. Ashley apologizes and begins to negotiate moving back to the house. Later, after some dickering, Ashley is welcomed home with open arms. Caroline’s kids had their own obstacles to contend with as oldest son Albie’s law school career is felled by a dismal GPA brought on by a learning disability. Lauren had to participate in avant garde day at her cosmetology school (I was rather disturbed by the girl running around in blackface. Seriously?) Finally, Christopher was semi-disowned by his father. On the bright side, some girls told him he was cuter than Albie. Well, that’s something anyway.
Our first tryout for tonight’s “Desperately Hoping to Be a Real Housewife of New Jersey” contest is Teresa’s party planner, Elvira. Teresa decides it’s time to throw a housewarming party for her lavish new mansion (in light of recent news about Teresa’s money woes, was anyone else reminded about Real Housewife of Orange County’s Lynne and her housewarming party? You know, when they got evicted the morning after? Housewarming, indeed.) Elvira rubs Teresa all kinds of wrong with her insistence that Teresa needs to hire household help, her shock that Teresa doesn’t have a pool and her lack of a mat on the patio. Teresa wants to punch the woman’s lights out but, keeps it classy and lets the woman plan her party.
Next up on the audition roster is Kim D., Desperate Danielle’s so-called bestie who kissed her face, while stabbing her in the back. Teresa and Jacqueline hit up Kim D’s boutique, Posche, for a post-baby-body shopping excursion. Desperate Danielle’s luncheon for her daughter, which Kim D. attended, comes up and the boutique owner maintains she only associates with the woman because “business is business.” Teresa doesn’t really trust her, but seems to think she’d fit in with the other Housewives, so she decides to invite her to the housewarming. I think we know who Teresa is rooting for.
The night of the party arrives and the ever-open-hearted Jacqueline nudges Teresa to invite our last contestant, the sneaky Kim G. to the party. That Kim G. knows how to work all kinds of angles; she sends an oh-so-subtle text message to Jacqueline telling her to wish Teresa a happy housewarming. Teresa relents, wary over Kim G’s interaction with Desperate Danielle and hopes everyone’s least favorite Housewife isn’t the topic of discussion all night. Wishful thinking, dear Teresa.
The abrasive Elvira, though a bitch, (Teresa’s word) does an awesome job (again, Teresa’s words) as she transforms Teresa’s house into a disco inferno, complete with a red carpet, flashing colored uplights and a living room draped in gold furniture and Swarovski crystals. It’s a Diva’s dream. Seeing the Kims at the party rankles the always-astute Caroline. Her antenna goes on high alert over the spider webs she believes these women are weaving. Her suspicions are confirmed when a sloshed Kim D. crashes Teresa’s toast to Caroline and Jacqueline. Later, when Caroline overhears Ashley talking smack about Desperate Danielle to the Kims, she shuts everyone down and tells them to not to sully Teresa’s house by evoking the name of the Six Million Dollar woman. Kim G., ever the instigator, sees her opportunity to sidle up to Caroline and pulls Mrs. Manzo aside to share her “concern” over Jacqueline’s “obsession” with Desperate Danielle. Kim G. gets busted when Jacqueline overhears her talking out of school. Jacqueline confronts the caught Kim G. and forces her to ‘fess up that Kim G. is the one who brings up Desperate Danielle on a regular basis, not the other way around. Kim G. acquiesces and says “obsessed” might not be the right word, maybe it’s “angry.” She then tries to wriggle her way back into Jacqueline’s good graces by saying how much she values her neighbor’s friendship. Said the spider to the fly…
Next week, Ashley’s the one obsessed with Desperate Danielle, Teresa goes berserk and Albie’s troubles continue.