Bravo has been working overtime to stuff “The Real Housewives of New York City” with new Housewives, but they’ve been messing with the wrong house. It’s time to refresh the lineup on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” because it’s clear every episode has a formula: the Manzo family and Co. bag on Desperate Danielle and then we cut to a scene of Desperate Danielle threatening the family. And in between they throw in some scenes of everyone’s kids. Better yet, let’s just rename the show “The Desperate Danielle Hour,” since everyone on this show seems to react to her every action.
We started the night with Teresa and Joe loading up their Cadillac with half the inventory from Babies “R” Us in order to bring their new baby home. Joe teases they need a bigger car and Teresa reiterates she’s done popping out kids. Teresa suggests Joe get a vasectomy, which Joe declines. Little Gia fawns all over her new sister, while the other two girls could care less. Later, Teresa throws an over-the-top birthday party for Gia that includes a four-wheeler and a ride in a pink limo for Gia and her friends to have a spa day. Teresa wonders where Gia gets this penchant for the good life. Of course when “you raise divas not tomboys,” I think you’ve answered your own question.
Desperate Danielle continues to lock and load her ammunition for the cancer fundraiser at The Brownstone by inviting Kim G. to be her escort. Kim G.’s son is best friends with one of Caroline’s sons, and according to Caroline, they’re acquaintances, not friends. Kim G. did invite Caroline to lunch, but Caroline decided as long as Kim G. is pals with Desperate Danielle, there’s no need to rock their acquaintance boat.
While Caroline is avoiding friendships, Dina is trying to end her truce with Desperate Danielle. She visits with Teresa and they – what else? – start talking about Desperate Danielle and call her names. Dina thinks she’s evil, while Teresa thinks she’s a psycho bitch. I would ask if these women have anything better to do than obsess over Danielle, but I think I answered my own question.
In offspring news, Ashley and her boyfriend, Derek, meet Lauren and Albie for dinner, mostly so Albie can give Derek the third degree. Later, Jacqueline pays a visit to Derek’s mom to get to know her better and the two spend a pleasant afternoon getting absolutely smashed on wine. Loved it when Jacqueline leaned over so Derek’s mom could feed her grapes. Oh, that nutty Jacqueline.
It’s time for the fundraiser at the Brownstone and Caroline’s husband, Albert informs his son, Chris, who’s one of the managers, that out of respect for the event’s organizers, Desperate Danielle is welcome. Meanwhile, Kim G. shows up to Desperate Danielle’s house and they wonder if they’ll be turned away at the door. Desperate Danielle salivates at the prospect of her prison parolee pal, Danny, starting a riot at The Brownstone. Back at the Manzo house, Teresa, Caroline and Jacqueline gather for the 999th gossip session about Desperate Danielle, but not before Caroline reveals she shaves her face everyday for exfoliation. Best to just leave that one alone.
The Desperate Danielle-Kim G. – Danny trio pull up to The Brownstone in a Bentley. While Danny is at his blue-collar best in jeans and a T-shirt, Desperate Danielle and Kim G. are dressed to kill (pun intended). Chris, who’s working the door walks away so as to avoid any drama with Desperate Danielle, but she makes a point of seeking him out anyway. Kim G. goes over to Chris and he tells her they’re going to be in for a surprise, because they’re a little overdressed for the “Elmer Fudd” crew that’s inside (the party was organized by a hunter’s club, far from the champagne crowd I’m sure Desperate Danielle was anticipating). Not sure why, but when Kim G. relays the “big surprise” comment to Desperate Danielle, she leaves out the “overdressed” part. Now I see why she’s friends with Desperate Danielle – two drama queens in a pea pod. Desperate Danielle gets riled up and goes about rounding up the Hell’s Angel’s posse Danny has pressed into service to greet them at the door. Once inside, Desperate Danielle drips insincerity all over the mother of the cancer-stricken baby. The poor woman looks like she wants an entourage to protect her from Desperate Danielle.
As it turns out, invited guest Desperate Danielle doesn’t have a seat and she takes this as a personal affront and is ready to pull out her gym shoes and Vaseline and throw down. A table is set up for Desperate Danielle and her unannounced, uninvited and unpaid for entourage, but she doesn’t like where the table is put up. Danny is also ready to break his parole and start slamming bodies. Desperate Danielle doesn’t grasp that it’s okay to bring ONE guest, not 20. In the end, Desperate Danielle decides to “leave with dignity,” while Danny opts time to “wreck the joint,” which Desperate Danielle is okay with. Albert later reveals to Chris that the organizers freaked and said they didn’t want Desperate Danielle’s entourage in the house and correctly pegs that Desperate Danielle wanted to create the impression that everyone was there to see her (she did call herself an “honored guest.”) She puffs herself up even further by declaring she was thrown out because the Manzos couldn’t stand to see her get “all that love” from everyone in the room. In the end, no harm comes to anybody and Danny, Desperate Danielle and Kim G. get back into their Bentley and ride off into the moonlight.
Next week, Dina calls for a meeting, Ashley threatens Desperate Danielle and the Manzo family makes a vow.