Here is my effort to make their old age more to their liking. I know it’s not easy being a leftist. Progressivsim requires a dearth of intelligent consideration, therefore the mind of the lefty has largely atrophied by the time they reach old age, which is doubtful anyway, what with all that tear gas, rubber bullets and Marxist sophistry that assaults their bodies and minds.
But for the lefty who has somehow managed to survive all the emoting and various other efforts they indulge in to pass the time, here is my thoughtful list of the 5 best places on this Earth for the old lefty to retire to. The following list is in no specific order.
Russia – this one is a no-brainer, therefore the more likely choice of the old leftist, as using their brains is a challenge with which they are distinctly unfamiliar. Russia rocks for them. Former Commies run the joint. They hate America with a passion, so there is that clear connection for the DA, or “Disgruntled American” as I delineated in my last piece on Tea Party membership requirements. And yes, DA is completely interchangeable with “asswipe” should one prefer the more traditional term for these self-loathers.
Russia has it all for the old lefty – massive government, deficit spending, lines to get bread, meat and toilet paper – ahhhh, the good old days, huh Lefties? Don’t wanna have to think for yourself? This is the place to be for sure. Like tiny apartments in huge monolithic “apartment blocks” as the highrise dwellings are often referred to? Into too much furniture shoved into tiny living spaces? Enjoy borsht? Like the sound of cries and moans as entire families are drug off in the wee hours of darkness for new digs in Siberia? Russia is for you.
Cuba – Ahhh, the next up in my hit parade! Now if Russia is too cold for ya, and what with all the arthritis, Cuba may be the right choice for ya. As well good old Michael Moore and Sean Penn think Cuba’s medical system is the model of efficiency, top line care and fairness, so if health concerns are in your old asses’ future, Fidel welcomes ya to Cuba! White sand beaches, bronzed bodies, a per capita income of $50 bucks per year and ’57 Chevy’s everywhere ya turn! Cuba has it all! Think how far your SSI will go there in that bustling economy!
Venezuela – Hugo welcomes you to the land of plenty! You too can don your red t-shirt and join the revolution! Now doesn’t that bring back memories of your misspent youth, planning the bombing of government installations and general mayhem? Hearken back to your first time when ya took an old t-shirt and fashioned your first face mask to hide behind as you spread mayhem. Good times, good times! And gasoline is rather cheap there. If ya hurry ya can get in on the nationalizing of oil rigs there too. Get in on the ground floor. Maybe you can take part in the raid to arrest and inter the oil rig workers – filthy bastards! Ahhh, something to hope for, huh?
North Korea – If “rustic retirement” is your dream, Kim Jong-Il welcomes you to Pyongyang! They have electricity almost two full hours per day, so low utility bills are the upside of rustic living. I hear rice is way cheap when ya can get it too. Gotta love it when the Dear Leader is so concerned for his peeps that the staples are so cheap. Do ya like bicycling? Pyongyang has plenty of bicycles, so exercising is a national pastime – well that and starvation, by why quibble with that little tidbit?
Last on the list of most desirable places for the old lefty to retire are anyone of a number of nations in the Middle East. Pick one.
Saudi Arabia is one big beach. Lots of oil too, so cheap to drive your Rolls around for sure. And if some young Saudi punk with his jailin’ britches and his turban on sideways assaults ya the government will cut off his hands at the least, but if the offense if especially egregious ya can hope for beheading! Public executions rock!
Iran has it all too – no homosexuals, so says RatBoy and the Mullahs, the cabal of leaders and the national band of Iran, and they would know. Dig a hot chick in a burka? Into alcohol abstinence? Think the Koran is worthy of killing another Man over for allowing an infidel to touch it? Wanna be close to Israel so you can see the flash and enjoy the mushroom cloud when RatBoy summons the Imam his ass is waiting for? Tehran is for you!
Of course if ya just love, love, love rustic life and lots of brown dirt I hear Afghanistan is lovely this time of year. If one wishes to be close to the cradle of Humanity there is always Ethiopia, Somalia and the Sudan. Plenty of hating Israel there too, so it’s always an option for ya. Plus if ya opt for Somalia, you can be a real 21st Century pirate. Everyone – well, except for Jerry Seinfeld, wants to be a pirate, right?
Lastly, if ya wanna get real and get jiggy with it, go to Palestine. Searching for a Homeland? Look no further! I hear they have some wonderful places to live. Qassam rockets trip your trigger? They got bunches of them suckers there. Wanna blow shit up? Palestine is calling your name. And the bonus is you can be so close to them filthy Israeli Jew bastards you can take your, available everywhere, cheap as dirt, fully automatic AK47 and shoot some of their kids on the way to school every morning. I mean the only good Israeli is a dead Israeli, right there lefties?
I would be remiss if I didn’t give Mexico a passing honorable mention. I hear it’s hard to get in, but way easy to get out. Plenty of Sol; lots of nice folks; cheap reefer; all the burritos your delicate digestive tract can handle; and Telemundo! Did ya know if ya google Telemundo the site is in Spanish? Who can read that? Think drug gang murders keeps the streets free of vermin? Love Latino soap operas? Want your grass cut for cheap, cheap, cheap? Want a couple women named Lupe to clean your abode every week for .50 cents each? And no worries about illegal aliens there! They have awesome immigration laws there, dontcha know?
So you smart old lefties get to gathering up your little ditty bags of goodies and get to retiring in one of these delightful world spots that will welcome you with open arms. I hear in most of these places they love, love, love American ex-pats. Have a great retirement y’all. I’ll miss ya – like a good dose of the clap. K, bye y’all! Asswipes….er, I mean DA’s.