(This is a solo column by Joe, the senior citizen writer for the Gab Four. Visit their official Web site and read more about Joe and the other members of the Gab Four at www.MyBriefs.com.)
Why do they put some sports on TV? Isn’t it enough that we have to endure reruns of “That 70’s Show” and “Tori and Dean”? Why do they have to put so many tiring, boring, pain-in-the-chip-dip sports shows on TV, too?
As I happened to turn to a channel the other afternoon while I was eating lunch, they were covering the Big Ten Swimming Championships. Dare I say that my glasses frosted over faster than if Mr. Freeze had blasted me with his freeze ray! Swimming championship? I wanted to watch that about as much as I want to watch another Geico commercial! But there it was, swimmers splashing up and back in the pool with as much zeal as Glenn Beck might have while trashing President Obama!
But, this made me wonder: What really are the 10 most boring sports shows on TV? So, I compiled this list. See if you agree.
10) Pool. Rack ’em up! This can be such a boring show that you could eat a bag of Oreos before someone gave their opponent a decent shot! All that looking over each shot, chalking up the cue, practicing a few strokes before actually taking aim, then finally dumping one in the side pocket. As exciting as watching a worm crawl.
9) Horse Racing. Whoa, Nelly! An hour before the race, there is always an endless stream of analysis about who should win, who the trainer is, how the owner bought the horse for a couple million dollars. Then the race is over in a little more than two minutes. Horse racing is as exciting as stacking up poker chips.
8) Swimming. Splish, splash! This must be the only sport with controversy over how slick the uniforms are! All they wear are goggles and those eelskin body suits. And the best swimmers have feet like seals. I have more trouble figuring out how many more lengths they have to swim than who’s ahead. It’s as exciting as mixing up chip dip.
7) Hockey. There’s more fighting in a hockey game than a Mike Tyson fight! Low scoring, lots of penalties, constant line changes, the net is smaller than the goalie’s equipment, and everybody is from a country other than the US. Only the coaches and fans seem to be US citizens. As exciting as watching a bulldozer fill in a hole.
6) Soccer. Whoops! Another yellow card! Are there any bigger babies in all of sports than soccer players? Always complaining, always falling down in unbearable pain at even the slightest kick at their legs. And do they ever score? Even after time runs out, they give them more time. Soccer is as exciting as watching someone cook bacon.
5) Indoor Volleyball. Serve, set, spike, point! Serve, set, spike, point! Lots of high fives no matter if you win the point or not, substitutions for those special moments when you need a tricky serve. More timeouts than set plays. You only score points on your serve. As repetitious and pointless as watching someone crack walnuts.
4) Auto Racing. Round and round she goes, and where she stops, nobody knows! And does anybody care? The endless drone of engines, few lead changes, a yellow flag for wrecks; pit stops, endless miles of racing, insufferable noise and dust, poor visibility. As exciting as watching bread rise in the oven.
3) Bowling. Strike, split, spare; gutter ball! Watching the pins reset and waiting for the bowler to dust the ball off, blow on their hand, insert their fingers in the ball, toe their mark, whisk toward the approach, wait for the ball to hook, then count up the pins. Trying to keep score is as complicated as making rocket fuel. And who cares?
2) Golf. Divots, shanks, and duck hooks! Anything to relieve the boredom of a ball sitting in the fairway. Tossing blades of grass in the air to test the wind, endless practice swings – waiting, watching, letting the ball roll. No interviews during the match, absolute silence on the putting green. As exciting as stomach ulcers!
1) Baseball. Chew, salivate, spit! What could be more gross or more boring than baseball? Readjusting hats and batting gloves, endless foul balls; slow, painstaking pitching. Countless walks to the mound, frivolous throws to first base, batters and pitchers take forever to get ready. As exciting as Donald Trump combing his hair.
These are my picks for the most boring sports on television. What do you think?