Men, we love you – Tall, short, lean, mean, dark, light, straight, gay, bald, freckled ~ whatever! You are beautiful… however, there are rules. That’s right, rules. “Codes” if you may – codes to live by so that we will keep loving you. The following is a list that has been compiled after much survey taking amongst the women in your lives and your peers. Take this list and memorize it! Print it out, keep it in your wallet, pin it on your bulletin board at work or stash it in your glove compartment. Just use it. You won’t be sorry.
The List of 7 Toxic Things a man should NEVER wear
1. Beer Belly. Yes, you heard me right. Men should never wear a beer belly. I’m not talking about a little paunch in the middle here ~ I’m taking gross, unhealthy, you don’t care about your body and it isn’t working for anybody! And, you’re not really happy anyway, right? Lose it.
2. Bling. Come on guys, you all know what Bling is… that gaudy gold chain around your neck with the big cross hanging off it. Or maybe you have several chains, with all sorts of gobbeldy-goop in the mix: snakes, medals of honor, charms, your name (a definite no-no!) ~ it really doesn’t matter because it is all tacky. Look, you got money to blow? Show me the stocks, the real estate, the leather shoes, the boat… but Bling? That reminds me more of a roosters Wattle hanging around your neck. Check it dude.
3. Speedo’s. With summer almost here, this is a must. Honestly, unless you have a super body, six packs and are currently on the swim team, please [we beg you] do not wear a Speedo. Instead, go spend some of the money you saved by not wearing the bling and buy yourself a bigger, longer, roomier swimsuit. Cut-off jean shorts do not qualify as swimwear either! Remember, only men like Mark Spitz look good in a Speedo and he was an Olympic gold medal winner! Even if you are thin, don’t do it. Really. I wouldn’t lie. It’s for your own good.
4. Plumber Crack Pants. And, it could just be illegal, especially if you live in Flint, Michigan. The thing is, we don’t want to see your boxers, briefs, skin or crack! It’s just plain old gross and can even make you look like you just took a dump. Ewww! Believe me when I say, you will never, ever hear anyone comment on what a nice butt you have. So, hide the derriere and we’ll all be happy. Your mother included.
5. Tube socks with shorts. Do you want to look like a tourist? Or just a nerd? Honestly, the only socks that should be worn with shorts are ankle-length or lower. Never wear “knee socks” aka tube socks. Save them for winter under jeans.
6. Flip-flops, sandals or clogs. There is a real debate going on here with this one. Most folks who took my survey felt that men should never wear any type of shoe that showed his feet. But apparently those who utilize You Tube feel differently (you can search men’s sandals – I won’t be responsible for that one). Honestly though, let’s face it guys, your feet are ugly. Even if you get pedicures, they’re just not meant to be seen. Sandals are plain old corny, especially if worn with socks (which most guys do), so it is best to not even go there! However, I tend to be on the fence in regards to the flip-flop option, mostly because I love flip-flops [but, I’m a girl so…], they are ideal for on the beach or in the gym shower, they are an easier option than sneakers. Just don’t go to a party with them on. As for clogs… if you are not in Holland or the Operating room doing surgery, skip them. My recommendation is a Sperry boat shoe or a moccasin. They are a much cooler choice and no one has to see your little piggies. Problem solved.
7. The ‘Merse’. Aka, the male version of the purse. Guys, you [probably] are not in Europe, so stop trying to act European. Even Gay men, it’s just not needed. I am not talking about backpacks or briefcases here, they are totally acceptable. But a purse, no. It’s plain old corny and weird. Stick with a wallet. If you need more space, go with the briefcase or backpack depending on the situation.
Other Helpful Sites for Clueless Men:
This video is a fun watch that will give any guy tips for summer on the beach.
For the man who just needs to start over, might I suggest the Men’s Warehouse for all of your shopping needs.
And before I forget, the one thing that a man should always wear is deodorant!