I have the fortunate luck of working mostly with women. Over the years I’ve learned that women enjoy talking about the significant guys in their lives. They use glowing, affectionate terms like “moron” and “brainless.” These conversations often center on behavior. Male pattern behavior seems to be a mystery to them, so I thought I’d clear up some misunderstandings, such as the real reason scratching in public is typical guy behavior.
You never see women scratching in public. It’s quite possible, from this male’s perspective, that women are incapable of itching anywhere more personal than elbows. So guys didn’t learn public scratching from their mothers. You do, however, see this behavior in monkeys. Monkeys don’t care who is watching. Go to any zoo, and in the primate section you’ll see male monkeys scratching and staring at crowds as if to say, ‘That feels good.”
It’s why I have a radical evolutionary theory. This public scratching behavior isn’t found in female humans, so I propose that all male humans are descended directly from monkeys. I haven’t worked out exactly where women come from, but my guess is another planet.
Another male pattern behavior, almost as prominent as scratching, is breast ogling. Women don’t understand breast obsession and, strange as it may seem, are often offended by it. Breast obsessive behavior can cripple an otherwise happy relationship. Say a couple is eating at a romantic Italian restaurant. Their waitress is not of the male gender and, as often is the case with members of other genders, has her shirt unbuttoned a little too low. Thus, her breasts are as hidden as a redneck fireworks outlet. Unless the male monkey descendent has complete control over his behavior, which he doesn’t, he’ll notice the waitress before and longer than the menu. His date, of course, will not miss her male companion’s ogling, so when he orders butter and herb chicken breast she suddenly has to go to the bathroom. Why are guys obsessed with breasts? My best answer is, I don’t know, other than it’s a pattern seen only in male humans.
Scratching and breast ogling aren’t the only male pattern behaviors. Another is a focus on male specific organs. For some unexplained reason, even though these organs are frequently unreliable, they’re a source of both humor and status. Guys find it hilarious to talk about them and refer to them. When not poking fun at male personal regions, they’re often using them as a status symbol. Women don’t do this, even though they have highly complex reproductive organs. Women don’t have any public behavior pattern remotely involving personal regions.
So a typical guy scene may follow this pattern: scratching, laughing about what was scratched, scratching again, then staring at crowds and looking important because he has “something” that itches. This pattern usually ends with non-males rolling their collective eyes and wondering how on earth a species with this behavior pattern ever got control of the government.
Male pattern behavior is a serious problem. I would offer some really good suggestions on how to eradicate it, like polio, but I need to run outside real quick and do some scratching.
Personal experience (That feel good!)