San Francisco Mayor (and handsome devil) Gavin Newsom thinks you should be healthy. That’s not a wish or a request, that’s a direct order! From the San Francisco Chronicle:
“Under an executive order from Mayor Gavin Newsom, Coke, Pepsi and Fanta Orange are no longer allowed in vending machines on city property, although their diet counterparts are – up to a point.
“Newsom’s directive…bars calorically sweetened beverages from vending machines on city property.
“That includes non-diet sodas, sports drinks and artificially sweetened water. Juice must be 100 percent fruit or vegetable juice with no added sweeteners. Diet sodas can be no more than 25 percent of the items offered, the directive says.
“There should be ‘ample choices’ of water, ‘soy milk, rice milk and other similar dairy or non dairy milk,’ says the directive, which also covers fat and sugar content in vending machine snacks. “
This is part of Mayor Newsom’s fight against obesity. And it will work! Because there’s nothing an overweight person enjoys more than being told what he can or cannot consume.
Newsom could be in for some trouble here. Let’s face it, fat Americans tend to be a pigheaded lot. A bloodstream full of sugar and bacon does not make for a pleasant attitude. NBC’s Biggest Loser will try to tell you otherwise, but fatties don’t like their obesity to be messed with. That’s why there’s a National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance.
No, really. There’s a National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. They are closely aligned with the American Society for Replacing Internal Organs With Cheese.
According to NAAFA’s website, their goal is to “help build a society in which people of every size are accepted with dignity and equality in all aspects of life. NAAFA will pursue this goal through advocacy, public education….”
Hang on, let’s stop right there. Public education? We already have that. In my public high school, it was called 5th period health class. You know what they taught us? Exercise, eat right, and don’t be fat.
Should I hate someone because they are fat? No, of course not. Heck, I’m 25 pounds heavier than I should be and I was more than 100 pounds overweight as a kid. Peoples is peoples.
Should I love someone enough that I don’t want them to be fat? Yes! I want people to be healthy and happy and energetic. Also, to be horribly selfish, I don’t want to carry your 600-pound coffin when you drop from a heart attack at 37. That’s bad for my back.
Now that I’ve made my point about how Americans should be healthy and choose the right foods, I would like to say “Go impale yourself on corndog, Mayor Newsom.”
Who the balls is Gavin Newsom to tell me what I can or cannot chug? Did I miss the part of the San Francisco City Charter that combines the offices of Mayor and my mom? It’s hard to refute Teabagger claims that the Democrats want a nanny state when the Democratic mayor is sending us to bed without dessert.
If you want to be proud of being a Fatso-American, I encourage you to raise your voice in protest. NAAFA should organize a march on San Francisco City Hall!
Well, maybe not a march. San Francisco is really hilly. How about this – take over the city’s historic trolleys as a protest of….
Well, maybe not the trolleys. Those seats are kind of small. Letters! A letter writing campaign is always….
Well, maybe not a letter. The envelopes are all the way in the kitchen. Ooooh, there’s a cheesecake in the kitchen. I like cheesecake. It combines two of the major food groups – cheese and cake. It would be awesome if they made pork flavored cheesecake. Then it’s like a meal. What’s was I so worked up about before? It was something to do with a city and food. Philly cheesesteak? Buffalo wings? Detroit waffles? Mmmmm, Detroit.
A little dessert: According to NAAFA’s website, this August’s 2010 NAAFA Convention? Yeah, it’s in San Francisco. Delicious!
The San Francisco Chronicle