For the first time in three seasons, the Pittsburgh Penguins (and Detroit Red Wings) will not be playing in the Stanley Cup Final. This, as expected, has many a Penguins fan and “expert” in full panic mode. The reason these individuals are currently so worried is that they feel the team’s window for winning another Stanley Cup is closing faster than a women’s bathroom door after a certain extra large quarterback goes through it. The solution to this problem?
Trading superstar Evgeni Malkin, of course.
The Pens trading Evgeni Malkin is an idea that is becoming more and more popular with each passing day. How could anybody argue with the points made here or here? Others have already finished the “why trade Malkin” task for me so I’m going to move right into the possible Pittsburgh Penguins Evgeni Malkin trades. After all, if the Pens are trading Geno, that team had better get something pretty gosh darn good for him.
Pittsburgh Penguins Evgeni Malkin trade #1: Malkin to Vancouver for the Sedin twins, Roberto Luongo and Vancouver’s first round pick in the 2010 NHL Draft
Without question the best deal for the Penguins. The Sedin fellas aren’t going anywhere separately, which is fine as the Pens would acquire a Geno replacement and a winger for Sidney Crosby in this deal. Goaltender Roberto Luongo could even replace the shaky, unreliable, only wins a cup when the Pens carry him Marc-Andre Fleury. If nothing else, Fleury and Luongo could push one another and, with a little luck and help from above, one of these hacks could turn into an elite goalie.
Pittsburgh Penguins Evgeni Malkin trade #2: Malkin to New York Rangers for Marian Gaborik, Marc Staal, the Rangers first round pick in every NHL Draft between 2010 and 2017 and Henrik Lundqvist’s eyes
This Malkin trade is so brilliant that two different people sent me the idea on two different days. The thought of having two Staal’s on the same NHL team is more than enough reason to send that overrated bum Evgeni Malkin to the Big Apple. Also, the Pens will need the draft picks once Gaborik stubs his toe and misses two seasons because of it.
And Lundqvist’s eyes…they just haunt you.
Pittsburgh Penguins Evgeni Malkin trade #3: Malkin to Tampa Bay Lightning for Steven Stamkos, Martin St. Louis, Ryan Malone and Vincent Lecavalier
For reasons beyond my comprehension, Penguins fans desperately want to bring Pittsburgh native Ryan Malone back to the Pens. Here’s your chance, kids. St. Louis has got to have a little gas left in the tank, especially playing with that Crosby guy. This Stamkos kid is supposed to be pretty alright. I wouldn’t know as I, like most in Tampa Bay, didn’t watch the Lightning this season. This trade would also give Pittsburgh hockey fans the chance to learn how to actually pronounce “Lecavalier” correctly. Everybody wins.
You know, the Tampa Bay front office is so stupid, this trade isn’t completely out of the question. Just sayin’…
Pittsburgh Penguins Evgeni Malkin trade #4: Malkin to Russia for the KHL
Remember how mad the Russians were when Evgeni Malkin came to the states? Here’s Pittsburgh’s chance to make things right. The Pens could turn the entire KHL into their own minor league of sorts. There’s gotta be another Malkin in that league, somewhere. Players like Geno are a dime a dozen.
My point with all of this? Don’t trade Evgeni Malkin. Why?
Because of this. And this. And this.
And of course, this.
Again, the writer of this piece does not support nor condone the Pittsburgh Penguins trading Evgeni Malkin for anything short of five all stars, a new power play coach and the Guinness Brewery. Oh, and don’t email me saying that some of the players I mentioned above are about to be free agents and thus the trade is not possible. I don’t care. Nobody cares.
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