Hoop T. Doo, he said, preparatory to calling for his soup and fish, it’s time for another round of the game that, if it is not sweeping America, is surely giving it a light dusting: Odd Man Out.
Not only that, but I have some splendid news for all you baffle-scarred veterans of the game. Are you ready? NO MORE TOUGH STUFF! Forget such exercises in mental cruelty as Odd Man Out 7. Nevermore will such conundra furrow your unibrow. Last time out, I said I was going to give you a set of questions considered even too easy for the book, Odd Man Out for Dummies, and I did. In spite of that, I still drew many lamentations. Never let it be said that your narrator does not listen to the voice of the people. This edition will consist entirely of questions found to be too easy for the much-less challenging Odd Man Out for Rummies. I suggest you call up your bookmaker and place a very large bet on yourself. Why? YOU CAN’T LOSE, that’s why!
I’ll give you a second to practice your most derisive snort, then it’s off to the races.
Group 1
The Reading Railroad
The Pennsylvania Railroad
The B&O Railroad
The Short Line Railroad
Group 2
Paul Revere
Dapper Dan
Valentine
Epitaph
Group 3
Knife
Fork
Spoon
Chainsaw
Group 4
Camembert
Gouda
Topicida
Muenster
Group 5
Chicago
Baltimore
New York
Los Angeles
And there you have your mystifying five. Now, as you might have guessed, it’s time to call on Alexander’s Gag Time Band for another selection.
A Mississippi River town has just been given a severe flood warning. Most of the town’s citizens are frantically filling sandbags. One busy crew consists of a black man, a Jew, a gay man and a redneck. As their shovels dig into the sand, one of them strikes something metallic. I will save you the trouble and time and just tell you, it turns out to be a magic lamp.
“Oh, thank you, kind sirs, for freeing me from that dark, stuffy lamp,” the genie effuses. “No doubt, you shall be richly rewarded.
“Does that mean we get three wishes?” asks the black man.
“Each?” the Jewish fellow chimes in.
“Oh, no, no, no, gentlemen. That is far too many wishes, even for a powerful genie, such as I, to grant. However it is, I am quite certain I can provide you with one granted wish apiece. I advise you to think carefully about what to wish for, because you will not get another chance.”
The four of them pondered for what seemed an eternity, none of them wanting to waste their lone opportunity.
“Come, come,” the genie urged them. “I do not have much time. If you do not tell me your wishes very soon, I shall have to return to the lamp, and you will get nothing.”
Just then, the black man’s eyes lit up as a brilliant idea came to him. “I’ve got it!” he exclaimed. “Now, listen up. I want to be transported to a place, along with all my black brothers and sisters, where we can live in peace and plenty, free from poverty, prejudice and profiling.”
“Done!” proclaimed the genie with a clap of his hands, and the black man vanished, presumably having been transferred, along with all of his race, to the paradise he wished for.
“What a brilliant idea,” the Jewish man said. “Now I know, for sure, what I want. I want to be transferred, along with all the sons and daughters of Zion, to a wonderful place that will be forever free of persecution, pogroms and, above all, Palestinians.”
“Done!” the genie thundered, and the Jewish bag-filler was, likewise, gone.
“Oh, my, that was simply wonderful,” the gay man observed. “And, now for my wish, I want to be sent, along with all my gay and lesbian- “
“Yes, yes, I think I know the drill of it by now,” the genie interjected. “Done,” he sighed with a desultory clap of his hands. In any case, the gay man vanished as well.
Meanwhile, the redneck was standing stock-still, his eyes bugging out and his mouth agape.
“Come, now, young fellow, you must hurry and make a wish,” the genie cajoled him. “Time is nearly up.”
“Now, let me get this straight,” the redneck said, after he managed to pull himself together. “That there first guy, he’s gone forever?”
“Yes, of course, just as he wished,” the genie explained.
“And all of his kind, they’re gone too?”
“Certainly. Did you not hear for yourself the gentleman’s wish, and did you not see with your own eyes, my granting of that wish?”
“And the same thing’s true for all the queers and the Jews?” the redneck added.
“Naturally,” the genie told him. “Now, come, sahib, you must make a wish, right now.”
“What the hell,” the redneck sighed, “gimmie a co’cola.”
There you have the time-waster (What, like this whole article isn’t?) for this session. Now on to the answers.
Group 1
The Reading Railroad
The Pennsylvania Railroad
The B&O Railroad
The Short Line Railroad
Okay, you really have to be familiar with the game of Chutes and Ladders to answer this one. And by that I mean, familiar enough to realize, hey, this game sucks out loud. Let’s play Monopoly instead.
The four items are all railroads on the traditional Monopoly board. So which one is different? Why it’s the Short Line. That is the one you can only reach by a roll of the dice. The other three have Chance cards directing the player to whichever one is nearest to the question mark he or she is perched upon. Remember that in case some huckster attempts to trade you the Short Line for, say, a roll in the hay with your Aunt Tilly. Your best stratagem is to spit in his eye. Spit directly in his eye. Do not dribble on Go or any hundred dollar bills. If your opponent has any sense of ethics at all, he will throw in the B & O and his much-needed Get Out of Jail Free card.
If you are only accustom to playing one of the endless variants of the game, such as Eurotrash Monopoly or Hell’s Angels Monopoly, that doesn’t feature these railroads by name, then I pity you from the bottom of my heart.
I do find it interesting that someone imagines you can “rent” an entire railroad for twenty-five bucks. If that were the case I’d plunk down the 25 and tell the Amtrak people to run me out to Indiana, toot sweet.
Group 2
Paul Revere
Dapper Dan
Valentine
Epitaph
Here, just follow this link, and you’ll have your answer, if you didn’t figure it out already. If you got this one right, then you’re “off to the races.”
Group 3
Knife
Fork
Spoon
Chainsaw
Ha! Those of you who know the first thing about etiquette will marvel at the ease of this question. I congratulate you both on your perspicacity. Obviously, the Odd Man Out is the fork, which goes on the left side of your proper place-setting, while the other three go on the right. How boorish do you have to be not to know that? Wait, don’t answer, because the real oddity is the chainsaw, which goes, not on the right, but in the dungeon.
Group 4
Camembert
Gouda
Topicida
Muenster
I thought it was mighty sporting of me, as the world’s only Italian who hates cheese, to pitch this group into the fray. Notice how I have included a French, Dutch, Italian and German representative into the package. The only thing is the third (or Italian) one is not a cheese, but something else, which, if forced to make a choice, I’d prefer to eat: rat poison.
Group 5
Chicago
Baltimore
New York
Los Angeles
The OMO amongst these U.S cities is Chicago. All or a good part of the other three cities are situated in counties of the same name. Baltimore is in Baltimore County. Likewise, Los Angeles is in Los Angeles County. How original. New York, while it is divided into five boroughs (Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, Manhattan and the Bronx) is, at the same time, divided into five counties. The Borough of Queens, fittingly enough, is in Queens County, but Brooklyn is in Kings County. Staten Island is in Richmond County, and the Bronx is in Bronx County. The main commercial borough of the city, Manhattan, is in-you guessed it-New York County. Almost all of Chicago, on the other hand, resides in Cook County, which, coincidentally enough, is in Illinois.
There, now, wasn’t that quiz a whole lot easier? How many did you get right? Five? Six? Seven? Your narrator is highly impressed.
Sources
Wikipedia
Own knowledge of geography and alchemy
