Your regular graduation speaker could not make it here today. You have no idea how hard it was to sedate him and stuff him in the trunk of his car. I am also sorry if this suit doesn’t quite fit and is a bit wrinkled. I had a hell of a time getting it off of him. But it is a warm day and he will be fine in his underwear once he quits his whining.
So after sneaking past security, I am very proud to stand here today and offer you s words of some advice. I mean advicelly words. I mean – dang who took my bourbon ???
Just kidding, actually the bourbon is in my left pocket. I keep it there for snake bite or if I shake hands with a lawyer.
But I hesitate to offer you advice as I remember the school boy who wrote “Socrates was a man who went around giving advice and they poisoned him.”
You are about to fact a cold cruel world where no cares about you about you except the electric company when you don’t pay your bill. When it is darkest, they shut off the lights. Yes it is a cruel heartless world out there, don’t go! Hide out in your parent’s basement.
You are entering a world that college has not prepared you for, no more drunken parties until three in the morning at strip clubs, unless you join the Republican Party. You can no longer run around with women, you are not a pro golfer, you cannot delay making decisions, you are not Brett Favre, you cannot continue to spend other people’s money, you are not a member of Congress. Remember there are no hand outs in life unless you are a big corporation or a crooked banker.
The world is no longer about Facebook, rather the world will be in your face.
The sad truth is you must settle down and find a job. After $30,000 in student loans, you should have no problem saying “paper or plastic” or “Do you want fries with that.” Your education will enable you to meet new people everyday. You would be surprised how many people Wal Mart greeters see.
You must find a job and you will not be able to skip classes, miss a few assignments, take summers off. You must be grown up and report to work by eight and sit in your cubicle until five. The path you are on only leads to a minivan, three whiny kids , a spouse that snoars and nightmares at three in the morning about meeting the mortgage , car and credit card payments. My advice is run now, run as fast as you can and escape this horrible fate called responsibility and growing up.
My only other piece of practical advice is remember that you can marry more money in ten minutes than you can make your entire lifetime. Beauty fades, but trust funds last forever,
That of course is the entirely wrong advice to offer any graduating class, and it is probably why I don’t get invited to speak at many graduations. In fact if the cops show up, I may have to leave quickly.
But a caveat. Although I urged you to marry money, GOD KNOWS, it beats working, I left out a crucial component. Don’t sign a pre-nup.
I feel bad, I should urge you to follow your dreams. But that often leads to sleeping on friend’s couches and when they get tired of you, you end up in an homeless shelter , which does have one advantage over college. No homework.
But believe me the world has enough bad musician, artists and writers. If you have shown no real talent in these endeavors now, quit. The only good thing about hitting your head against a wall, is it feels so good when you stop. Admit to yourself, you are just one of the faceless, nameless six billion people in the world and you wish you had known this before you wasted $30,000 on a music degree. The good news is that your diploma comes with free Prozac to fight your depression and a free cell phone to call the suicide hotline number. Your only chance of happiness is winning the lottery, which you could have won without going to college.
So forget your dreams. Find a drabless suit, I can sell you this one after graduation. We need more bankers and lawyers, but for the life of me I can’t figure out why. It just seemed the right thing to say.
Now take a moment and look at all your friends. If you think one friend’s eyes are a bit too close together, he has the IQ of a hamster and will have a tough time making it in the real world, do not worry – one day he will represent you in Congress.
But I urge you all to work long and hard and make your parents proud. Actually someone has to pay for their social security, so that is why you will be sweating it out in a cubicle while they are on a beach drinking Mai Tais. They really do love you, and they would like to help you pay back that $30,000 in student loans , but there’s booze in the blender…
I would like you to believe that the world you are entering is about compassion, kindness and faith. Except , last time I checked, none of that pays your rent or student loans back.
Whoops, I think I see the campus police. Gotta go now. The state hospital closes its gates at seven. Well one day you will look back on this day and run into a parked car.
Last words of advice. Don’t answer the phone before noon, it will only be a classmate who followed his dreams and needs a loan or a place to sleep. And never sleep with anyone who seems to break out on a constant basis .
Gotta go.
