What to make of this Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston engagement? On one hand, who really cares what a couple of hillbillies do in their personal life? On the other hand, the Palin family is a source of ongoing amusement to me. Let’s examine.
I’ve heard that this is an insidious plot engineered by Sarah Palin to clean up her image, presumably before the next Presidential election. While it might be fun to accuse Sarah Palin of something, I don’t feel that this theory holds water. Number one, I think it’s a stretch to think that Sarah Palin could “engineer” anything except maybe a mooseberry pie. Number two, on what planet would having your daughter marry a moron be considered cleaning up your image? Number three, I think the jury has already been in for so long on Sarah Palin that they’ve already made it through all three of those painful Lord of the Rings movies. Her detractors are never going to believe that she’s gotten a lot smarter in the last two years, even after reading every magazine in existence. And her supporters have shown time and time again that they are not bothered by her mental deficiencies and general idiocy, and they would vote for her despite this general knowledge. Her daughter marrying the douche who impregnated her is not going to help with these people. Or anyone except maybe a handful of really old ladies. Sarah Palin could perform oral sex on a goat during the middle of Sean Hannity’s show and her popularity would remain unchanged. As long as the goat was a real American and supported more tax cuts.
Another theory is that a secret government panel that studies these kinds of things has identified Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston as possessing exactly the correct genetic makeup to produce a super-intelligent child which could very well jump start humankind to the next level of human evolution, or at least win on that stupid Jeff Foxworthy game show. I have never actually heard this theory, and in fact just made it up right now.
I think I’ve come up with the real reason, though. Do you know how much money you have to pay to your child’s mother for child support? Well, there’s a very complex formula that varies by state. You take the number of children and multiply it by some percentage of the…and then you multiply that by 5 and then subtract the cost of a Starbucks coffee, and…Well, like I said, it’s very complex and ends up costing a crapload more than a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and the Netflix membership that Levi enjoys and does not want to drop.
Do you know how much child support you have to pay if you are married to the mother of your children? It turns out that it’s a big fat load of nothing. That’s right. You can marry the girl not-of-your-dreams, sit on your ass absorbing couch molecules watching non-stop reality television, and you don’t have to pay anything. Maybe Levi Johnston is not so dumb after all. It’s quite a loophole, and it’s even better when your mother-in-law is raking in tons of money for…well really I have no idea why people are still sending her money.