In the checkout line at the grocery store today, I happened to notice, on the cover of about fifteen magazines, that you are single again. What is truly amazing is that I was just thinking about you.
I couldn’t be sure from the 108pt. font headlines, but it looks as though your current single-status is a recent, and newsworthy development. And, I do hate to bother you in this, your time of “INCONSOLABLE GRIEF,” but, like I said, I was thinking about you anyway. This may seem an inappropriate time to court you, what with you being “heartbroken,” “lost,” “wretched and wracked with grief,” (I thumbed one of the articles) but fourteen months ago, I underwent a similarly tragic breakup myself, so I can certainly empathize with your “plight.”
Despite our eerily analogous personal condition, you’ve likely never heard of me, at all. Myself, I have closely followed your work for a couple years now. You appear to be doing very well for yourself professionally. It is a shame these article writers apparently haven’t caught on to that, though they seem particularly interested in your social exploits. As coincidence goes, the way I first heard of you was from a magazine cover, something to do with your marriage to that actor, Brad Pitt. I was struck by how attractive you are, how warm and full of life you appear, and I wasn’t tremendously surprised to see someone like Brad Pitt take an interest in you. Soon after, I learned that you do some acting yourself, and at the risk of flattery, I must say you are rather talented. You should stick with it. You may just have a future in show business, and not just because you married a famous person either.
As others began to catch on, it seemed like I was hearing about you everywhere; QVC, TV Guide, that Springsteen video-I think that was you-everywhere. Then out of nowhere, on television one night they said you and Brad Pitt were separating. Didn’t hear a great deal about this, but the suddenness of it all was unsettling. I can never understand the capricious nature of these extremely high-profile relationships. Take two fantastically public individuals with so much in common; a blistering professional calendar, countless admirers, little opportunity to grasp and maintain any semblance of a personal identity and a complete lack of privacy, then cast them into a widely broadcast and ruthlessly scrutinized association, in which they have difficulty truly getting to know each other as they expend all available energy keeping the pen and camera wielding wolves at bay, and for some reason this magical union doesn’t work out.
I lost track of you after that, though thinking about it now, I wish I had written you then. The thought of all that wasted time…
Then, today, out of nowhere, “JENNIFER ANISTON LEFT IN LURCH – Sexy, Single, Stricken and Sad.” I didn’t even know you started dating again. I admit I dropped the ball following the Brad Pitt business, but it would be just lazy of me not to write now. I am sorry for your loss, and can only imagine how you must feel. Stricken and Sad, apparently. I feel I owe it to us both to send this letter. If you are feeling up to it, you can either leave a comment below, or if that is too impersonal, you may respond to the facebook posts I’ve been leaving. Any of them. You get those, right?