Hello there Folks! Who’s this I hear you ask? It’s me, Gucci (seriously – did the title give you no clues)? Well anyway – this is being written by me, a dog(let), a clever little bleeder at that, so do try to keep up.
Let me start off by introducing me and my family. As you have now gathered, my name is Gucci. If I’m honest, my full name is Gucci Prince Michael the 2nd (amongst others) – but bugger me if it’s not a bit long. My Mam does not look much like me, but I have been assured that this phenomenon is quite normal. When she dog napped me she was in her ‘de-stress’ mode. This meant that she had drunk 10 de-stressing beverages after a ‘stressful’ day. Eeeeeehhhhh, how my Mam loves to ‘de-stress’ every day at 7pm until the ‘stress’ buggers off.
I also have an ‘Aunty Sister’. Apparently I’m a lucky doglet as not all doglets have ‘Aunty Sister’s’. My Aunty Sister was there from the start. He is always with my Mam and they like to ‘de-stress’ together. I asked why I didn’t call him Dad like all the other doglets do in the park. It’s because he is one of them homosexuals, but he’s ok (for an Aunty Sister). He is easy to manipulate and gives me dinner if I tell lies and say my Mam hasn’t.
Many would class us as an ‘eccentric’ family (they would not be wrong), but let me fill you in and tell you how it really is. My life started 5 years ago on June 05 2006…
‘Welcome to the World Piglet’
I was minding my own business in a random place where there was other animals aggravating me, when 2 tall oddities came in and disturbed the peace. A nice oddity with long hair (later known as my Mam) picked me up and slavered all bleedin’ over me. It was irritating at first but then I sniffed her real good and she smelled like a good sort, so when she put me down, I marked my territory up her leg. Well, she must have got a shock as she squealed and her sun glasses fell off her head. So I thought I would do her a favor and give ’em back, but they tasted nice so I sucked and chewed on ’em a bit. I later found out this is how I got the first part of my name ‘Gucci’. She had a pink stripped bag that looked so nice and snug that I climbed in it and demanded that she take me home. To my surprise, she agreed! So I decided to christen her ‘Mam’.
The Big Wide World
As I was bobbing up and down in my new snug pink ‘Mam’ bag, I saw a lot if things I had never seen before – it was the first time I’d ever seen the outside world and it was an experience for sure. My Mam took me to a something called a ‘Vet’s’. It seemed safe enough so I decided I’d had enough of the bag and climbed out, I also really needed to release myself in both ways. So I wondered into the what looked like a peaceful area where it was nice and warm and dark and flopped myself down on the floor and released. My Mam looked up and was laughing a lot as apparently it was not the right area for going toilets but I didn’t know.
Well bugger me if I didn’t get punished for it! I got jabbed stupid with this needle and that needle! I though she really must be angry to let some looser do this to me! But then it was over and Mam can and gave me some love and popped me back into my ‘Mam’ bag with a treat. Talk about mixed signals!
Mam then explained we were going to my new home – well the first of my new homes….. And the first of my many adventures…
‘Pizza or Rat?’
When I was old enough my Mam and Aunty Sister took me walking down along the beach front. I was extraordinarily happy to go doggin and to be let of my leader for the first time! I cocked my leg up at everything! I saw something that I had not seen before – the Sea! As it was so hot I thought I would go and stick my paws in, but when I got there, I thought sod this and launched my whole self in with such force that the bleedin’ tide near enough grabbed me! So I went back to the safety of Mam and the homo (sorry Aunty Sister). When I got back there seemed to be something else that caught my attention. Could it be food smells? Oh my god, I felt sick with excitement! I wanted to try everything, so I ran and ran so fast to the closest smell – I jumped, climbed, dodged and fought until I found what I was looking for. It was a dirty big pizza with all the toppings! There was a Woman there at my table and she was screaming at all that would listen ‘it’s a rat, its a rat!’ – Daft Woman, it was a bloody pizza (I was only small but even I knew that). She irritated me so I buggered off dragging my dinner in my gob all the way down the beach as it was bleedin’ well heavy! I would have offered Mam and Aunty Sister a bit, but when I looked back, Mam and Aunty Sister were otherwise engaged – they were being told off by some Man who seemed mean and that silly Woman was giving her 10 cents worth. I buried my dinner somewhere safe for the moment and went to see what the daft woman was shouting at my Mam for. I tried to get their attention but no one took any notice. Ohhh that pizza hit my tummy pretty quick and dam it I need to go for a number two quickly! I spotted an area that looked clean enough and released. As no bugger was paying attention of me, I headed back to my Pizza. When I looked back the Man had stopped shouting and Mam and Aunty Sister were coming over. The silly woman had done something very odd indeed – she had picked up my number two area and put it over her shoulder just like Mam does with my ‘Mam’ bag. How very odd…
The morel of this story is – Why eat crappy doglet food when you can steel a big assed Pizza.
One night Mam and Aunty Sister came home rather intoxicated (nothing new there then). They annoyed me at first as they woke me up, but then I realized I could take advantage of the situation. As Mam got my lead out, I thought to myself – I’m onto a winner here with these pair of plebs! I hooked myself on my lead and we all went outside to play on the street. It was very dark as it was 5am. Then my nose started twitching, and a familiar aroma unveiled itself – I could smell….. SKIPS! Excellent! Mam and Aunty Sister decided to stupidly let me off me lead. Well bugger me I thought, they really are plebs – I ran like the wind to the Skip. To my great delight, there was a load of curry and skip juice plus more minging things there. I had so much delirious fun rolling around in the Skip Juice. Mam and Aunty Sister seemed to be enjoying my fun too as they were on the floor howling for me to come back, but I was having way too much fun for that. They eventually dragged me away from the skip juice and under protest, got me home again. I don’t think Mam was too happy as I was covered in glorious skip juice that was dripping off me left, right and centre. I told her I would lick myself clean, but she would not have any of it! I got my way again as Aunty Sister got roped into pampering and bathing me and then feeding me. Good times for a little piglet!
The morel of this story is – Always take advantage of intoxicated Family members.
This one time, I decided to annoy Mam into taking me for a walk (well I did need a number 2). We went for a nosey down the road and I lulled my Mam into a false sense of security to let me off my lead. Well I couldn’t believe my luck when she fell for it! I ran like the little wind – and low and behold, I bumped into one of them stinkin cats! I only wanted to have a bit off rough house play fighting, but the little sod near enough took me bleedin’ eye out! Then that dirty stinker proceeded to scratch me up my snotter so hard that it bleedin’ drew blood! Well, as you can imagine, I was rather put out by this so I chased that stinker up a tree where it started howling for mercy. I could hear Mam shouting me back as she didn’t know where I was, so in the end I had to go back with my tail in between my legs, as that stinkin cat hurt me. But, I could also see some of its gang like little creepin’ Jesus’ coming out of no where to get me. That dirty stinker must have been calling for back up! Clever bleedin’ cat.
The morel of this sorrowful tale is – When out and one gets the urge to approach a dirty stinker, make sure one has ones gang with one.
Street Fightin’ Piglet
I would say I have always been a rock ‘ard Piglet but my Aunty Sister would disagree. One night he decided to teach me a bit of piglet fightin. The plan was to ‘arden me up so that if I ever I found myself alone, I could attack like a pit-bull not a piglet. To get me in the mood he pulled my tail and yanked my ears and started making nasty noises in my ears that I most certainly didn’t like. It got me going pretty dam well…. Aunty Sister wanted to take it to the next level as I was proving to be ready. For some odd reason he dragged Mam into my lesson, then the daft sod pretended to attack her (I did actually think it was real at the time). Even though I am small, I am fast and I didn’t like Aunty Sister attacking Mam so I went oriental on his asse! I jumped up and down and barked a bit but he took no notice – so I bided my time and waiting for my moment – then I attacked! I bit that silly Aunty Sister up his snotty nostrils and noggin! I drew blood and was so was proud of myself! I got a bleedin’ telling off and I didn’t know why when I was only doing what I was supposed to! My Mam was dead happy with me and give me lots of Mummy Cuddles on the sofa. Silly Aunty Sister had to walk about with a great big sticky thing on his snotters and noggin! I got fed a good dinner that night!
Aunty Sister’s morel to this story is – Never mess with a Mammies Piglet!
Well, that’s enough for now about me and my ‘eccentric’ family’s carrying on’s… I will keep you updated on the silliness of my Aunty Sister and my Mam.
Until next time all!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Louise Bell ‘Its a Dogs Life’ Associated Content