I’m going to Chicago in a few weeks, for a weekend getaway, and I’m going to need a powerful, accurate handgun when I’m there. Chicago is home to prestigious Nobel Prize winners, our current president, Barack Hussein Obama, and boasts one of the greatest universities in the world, the University of Chicago. It’s also a war zone.
It’s not for these reasons I want to visit Chicago. My reason is quite different. It revolves around good coffee, and the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold the challenge against Chicago’s 28-year gun ban.
I will be visiting Chicago so I can get an excellent coffee at the student-run coffee shop. The particular establishment is conspicuously titled, Divinity School Coffee Shop, and it’s located in Swift Hall. I already know what I will have. A black coffee.
To get to this gem of a coffee shop, I’m going to need a good handgun. I would prefer a shotgun, but I can’t fit that under my clothing. And now that the gun ban is lifted, I’ll be happy to visit the city.
If I’m lucky, I will run into U. of Chicago’s esteemed Divinity School professor, and world renowned Sanskrit translator, Wendy Doniger. See a picture (fall in love), and read an article on Dr. Doniger here. She’s quirky, brilliant, and lovely. When we wrap up our kind, but profound, conversation, I will journey back through the war zone that is Chicago.
Chicago has been declared in a state of emergency by the good reverend, Jesse Jackson. More people have been shot and killed in Chicago this year than American soldiers in Afghanistan (but we’re not counting the scores of Afghani civilians killed by rapscallion soldiers). Chicago continues to make the news with egregious numbers of people shot over the weekend. Here’s the latest.
Actually, here’s the point of the article. If you visit Chicago (to visit the Divinity Coffee shop, or not), you’re going to need a gun, and now it’s possible to bring one. As stated above: the Supreme Court has just ruled in favor of ending the ban on guns that Chicago has had in place for almost three decades. A ban that has, by the statistical end of it, not worked at all.
This is as good a time to visit as any, assuming the federal appeal gets shot down as well. Then you can bring your own handgun, have a coffee, defend yourself in a gang shootout in Hyde Park, and go home. And if you really want to be safe, you will purchase a suit of armor, similar to RoboCop. That way you can actually take a stroll around the city.