I rarely have good dreams. I cherish the nights, where I sleep deep into oblivion. The occasional nightmare comes knocking on my mind, but there are times, where it is denied. And there are other moments, where I see the darkest corners of my self. But once in a blue moon do I actually dream the sweetest of dreams, and tonight found me on the stage, under bright lights, and in front of a crowded room. And large applause and loud laughter chased after every single one of my jokes, and I had to wonder if this was what it would be like to be a comedian. Or was this just a dream?
1. Check Please
Ever sit down at the table with a family member for breakfast and watch them go through the chair? Not over the chair, but through the chair. Well, I have. My brother and I watched my father take out his cereal bowl, some Lucky Charms, and milk. He was all set to eat, and he pulls out his chair to sit down. BOOM! He goes right through the chair, and what was the first thing out of his mouth? Don’t you dare laugh, and he looked right at me. Not my brother. Me, and I’m sorry. That is like telling someone, who is rock climbing to not look down because you know that you are going to look down. But I kept a straight face as he got up and stormed upstairs, and then I lost it, hysterical with laughter. Sorry, dad, but your ass hitting the floor was priceless.
2. Flying Kamikazes
I hate birds, and I swear that they hate me. They have hated me since I was a child. There was one day, where my family decided to go to the Sunrise Mall on Long Island. My brothers get out of the car. Fine. My parents get out of the car. No problem. I get out of the car, and one of those damn kamikaze birds swoops over my head and drops a load right on top of my hair. So, what did my family do? We got back in the car and drove home, and then my mother proceeded to wash the crap out. But it didn’t stop there. No. I have a nice, white car, clean, I wish, but not if those damn birds have their way. Every time like clockwork when that car gets washed, I bring it home, park it, and I don’t even take two steps away. And here they come, nailing my car and not missing a spot, and recently they were so generous as to crap right on the driver-side door. Do you know how hard it is to open your car without sinking your fingers into bird crap? Yeah, so every time I see a cat take down one of those birds, I yell out the window, “How do you like me now?”
3. Sleeper Furrball
I love my cat, Sheetrock. I lost her last year, but we spent almost two decades together. And she was a great cat, but she was also a bitch. She used hairballs as artillery. I could tell the small ones from the large ones. She would make that regurgitating sound when she was making the small ones but not the large ones. When she was on the attack, preparing to leave a large one on my pillow, all you would hear is, “Me, me, me, me, me, PHOOY!” And there it is. A massive piece of hair coated in her saliva, and where is she? She’s not hiding. Trust me. She takes her spot on my desk chair, and she waits. She waits for the moment when I walk into the room and grins from ear to ear because I pissed her off, because I did something that she didn’t like. Well, guess what? As her punishment, I put her in Cabbage Doll clothing, and she hates that. She hates wearing a dress, and trust me. She gets me back later, and her last present to me was a pile of crap next to my head while I was sleeping. But luckily I woke up before I rolled into it, and where was she? Back on the damn chair, waiting to say, “Surprise.”
4. Feel Like Chicken Tonight
My friends love to eat out. I go visit them on Long Island, and what do we do? We go out to eat, and we go to those food-chain restaurants with the memorabilia on the walls. And one time, two friends and I order chicken. We’re having a good time, laughing it up, and then our stomachs joined in the conversation. Ever see the look on a deer’s face when it is caught in the headlights? Well, that was us, but lucky for us, one of my friends lived around the corner. So, we grab the bill, slap down some cash, and literally run for the hills. But wouldn’t you know that there was traffic? Yeah, traffic on Long Island. Go figure, and we’re trying to get to my friend’s toilet. My friend that was driving started clutching the wheel, gritting her teeth, and snapping at all those that denied her from getting there. My other friend is gripping the dashboard with one hand and holding her stomach with the other, and where was I? I was lying on my back on the backseat, holding my sides. Well, I took one look at them, and I lost it. And they thought I was nuts. What the hell is wrong with you? I can’t look at her because I’m going to lose it, and all their other comments made me laugh harder. The tears were pouring down my face, and by the time we got to her house, the joke was on me because there were only two toilets. So, guess who had to wait?
5. Summer is here.
I worked one year at the Galleria Mall for one of those large, retail-chain stores, and it was summer. The bathing suits were out, and women were flooding the fitting room. And my coworker and I don’t notice anything as we’re ringing customers up, and all of a sudden, someone screeches. Well, we turn around and look on the floor to see that one customer lost a pad. You women know what I’m talking about, and no, it wasn’t clean. It was unfolded and stuck to the damn floor, and my coworker and I started to argue as to who was going to pick it up. Hell no. I draw the line with that, and she was not going near it either. And I was fine with leaving it right where it was, but of course, the night crew comes in. And one of the girls walks behind the counter and stops dead in her tracks. She is wearing sandals, and something is stuck to one of them. Well, all hell breaks loose. She starts to scream and run vapor trails across the floor, and the damn thing is still on her foot. And I’m sorry, but I lost it. Again. I’m laughing hysterically as one coworker is chasing her around the department and the other is cursing me out while ringing up customers. Ladies, a word to the wise? Please leave your friend home when trying on a bathing suit, and also the fitting room is not a toilet. Yeah. Women pee in the fitting room, and I did not believe that until I tried on some clothes. I walked into the fitting room, locked the door, and sat down on a nice, comfortable seat drenched in urine, and I thank you for that.