So by this time, you understand that nobody on the other end of the telephone gives a damn whether you’re wearing business attire or not, and you might as well stay comfortable in your robe while you peruse the diminishing want ads. Fine. Because honestly, if you are given a date or time to show up somewhere, you’re going to have plenty of time to dress, celebrate Christmas, read War and Peace and clean your bathroom grout with a toothbrush before your scheduled interview date and time arrives. In the meantime, why not follow these simple steps to make your unemployment experience and job search forays just a little bit more enjoyable?
Lose The Self-Esteem
If the tenure of your unemployment hasn’t already erased any shred of genuine self-esteem, be certain to lose any outward manifestations of such before any face-to-face interview. Human Resources Managers and interviewers are in a whole new position of power now, and they know it. Whereas formerly they sought individuals with initiative, a can-do attitude, and a steady handshake, they’ve become more and more power hungry and sadistic. More points are probably garnered now by handing over a slightly tear-soaked resume with a shaky hand – apologizing all the while, of course. Having your voice break a little as you answer a question, perhaps clutching a tissue in one hand, or developing a tic such as continuously smoothing your skirt or pants’ crease might be helpful. How does not having a sense of self-esteem help one’s spirits during this despairing time? Well, it’s just one less thing to worry about losing and is much less tangible than one’s car, apartment or insurance. It also hurts a little less when they finally do award that position that you’re imminently qualified for to someone with the IQ of a lobotomized squirrel.
Lose Any Morals That Might Prohibit You From Accepting a Position (If Offered)
This suggestion is self-explanatory. For you Orthodox Jews, start checking that box called “Friday.” The same goes for Seventh Day Adventists and their aversion to the “Saturday” box. But scheduled days to work are not the only moral prohibitions to lose. You can forget that PETA card in your billfold if that cosmetic company offers you a job testing mascara on baby rabbits. And never mind that Grandma Nanny is Creole, that paycheck from the White Aryan Nation cashes – usually – just fine. Forget all those noble, high-minded opinions you held against racism, pollution, corporate farming, free trade, and fair trade: you protested against these big companies because they were successful and, being successful, they have to hire somebody to count all that cash. That somebody could be you!
Whore Your Resume, Education & Work Experience
This is one of those last-ditch efforts that one usually adopts only when the length of time they’ve been unemployed is measured in years rather than weeks. In other words, you’re no longer seeking employment in your field, or one related to the degree(s) you earned in college or even those that you have experience in. This is the radical phase of job search where one goes after anything, absolutely anything, that comes around. Ever flown in an airplane? Fill out that pilot employment application for Delta. It can’t hurt. Ever smiled at a cute tyke at Little League? Well, that’s a degree in Elementary Education if I ever heard of one! Did you do that “Indian blood brother” thing as a kid? Fantastic! Drawing blood is also known as phlebotomy and is a rapidly growing job field. See? This phase of job search just means that one adds or subtracts, as needed, to make your application more attractive to potential employers. So when you apply for the Cold Room in the Poultry Plant, lose the MA in 18th Century Chinese Literature and just run with a simple old GED.
This is probably going to be one of the more difficult times in your life, even more so if the financial stressors finally guarantee the divorce that’s been looming on the horizon for years. Nothing that you are going to read in a job hunting manual, hear in a job search class from your state unemployment commission, or story you’ll endure from Great Uncle Joe who lived through the Great Depression selling apples is going to probably going to help. Fortunately, I’ve stumbled upon two things that might:
#1 Pray that the state or federal government builds a SuperMax prison in that empty lot across from your house; AND
#2 When you read the obituaries, make careful note of those deceased who were still employed. THAT, my friend, is a guaranteed job opening.