Are you having a hard time getting over your ex husband? Are you experiencing depression, frustration and anger when you think about the divorce with your ex husband? To help learn what you can do to get over your ex husband, I have interviewed Psychotherapist Jeffrey Chernin.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
“I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist with experience since 1992. I’m in private practice with a diverse clientele – both individuals and couples – in Los Angeles. I have written many articles and two books – one on counseling and the other related to intimacy. And I’ve taught adjunct at area universities, as well as provided numerous workshops.”
What are common thoughts and feelings a woman may experience when she is trying to get over his ex husband?
“Depending on the situation, feelings can range from devastation and despair to relief. Most often, it’s difficult at best. Anger is also a common emotion, especially when there’s been an act of betrayal – cheating or using drugs, for example. Despite what you may have heard to the contrary, there are no set “stages” of grief, and each woman reacts in her own way, and perhaps more importantly, moves on at her own pace. In the meantime, it’s not uncommon to feel depressed and sometimes even feel that life isn’t worth living anymore.”
“A common refrain I hear from clients (and friends) is that they’ll never find anyone else or that they’ll never trust a man again. It makes total sense to me, and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard “men are pigs” or “all men cheat.” But inevitably, every woman I’ve known professionally and personally has gone on to be with someone else. It’s because these phrases represent feelings – hopelessness, despair, and massive frustration with men. And like all feelings, they dissipate over time.”
What are some things a woman can do to get over her ex husband?
“I’ll start out with what some women do that isn’t necessarily helpful. One is finding someone new right away – you need to be able to grieve, to learn to trust again, and most of all become comfortable being single for a while. If you “need” to be in a relationship, chances are you cannot be in a healthy relationship. If you “want” to be in a relationship, chances are you can.”
“And if you need to be in one, take the time to figure that out, as well as if you’ve been in a series of unsatisfying relationships.”
“Another thing some women do is throw themselves into work or drinking or sex. While keeping yourself occupied is essential, and overdoing it may be OK for a while, it’s important to regain balance over time.”
“If I may, I have trouble with the concept of “getting over.” Some women may never fully “get over” an ex. And nowhere is it written that you need to! The goal is to process the loss, plus any residual anger, betrayal, or mistrust and get to a point where you feel mostly whole again – and ready to date or be in a relationship, if that’s what you desire. But he may always hold a place in your heart and mind.”
What type of help is available for a woman who is having a difficult time getting over her ex husband?
“Of course therapy is one place to process your feelings and experiences. Family and friends can be a good source of support. But I understand the desire of not wanting to wear them out – and good therapists do not get worn out, no matter how many things you tell them or how many times.”
“There are many good books out there, but there’s a wonderful small book titled “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” by Peter McWilliams, Harld Bloomfield, and Melba Colgrove. If you’re depressed, lonely, or forlorn, you may find it to be one of the best things you’ve done post-breakup.”
What last advice would you like to give a woman who is trying to get over her ex husband?
“It’s the one thing that is hard to take in when you’re in the midst of a painful break up: Hang in there.”
“If someone tells you “It’s been two years and you’re still not over it?” don’t listen. It will take exactly the amount of time it takes you to move on and not a moment less. And remember not to be black-and-white about it. There’s no “on” or “off” switch when it comes to moving on from an ex. It gets better, then worse, then better again – very much two steps forward and one step back. But if you take only one thing from everything I’ve said, please consider taking this: Eventually you’ll get there.”
Thank you Jeffrey for the interview. If you would like more information on Jeffrey Chernin check out his website on www.jeffreychernin.com.
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