If nature programs have taught me anything, it’s that some animals live better lives than most homo sapiens. Grizzles are a prime example of this fact. Grizzly bears are the strong, fairly quick over short distances, kings of the forest. While it’s impossible to completely transform from being a lowly boped, you can at least make an effort to emulate common mannerisms of the average Grizzly.
How to be a Grizzly Bear: Sleep.
Know what the big payoff of being a Grizzly is? Nobody expects anything from you. Because of that, you are given free range to plop your 500 pound kiester down, sleep for a few good months, and nobody will ask you of anything during your down time. It’s perfect. The IRS couldn’t drop the hammer and ruin your wonderful existence by charging a cave rest fee if they wanted to (which they probably do.)
How to be a Grizzly Bear: Eat.
Not sure how many people are aware of this, but yogi wasn’t based off an actual bear. Upon hearing this news form a respected source, I broke down and cried myself to sleep. I was devastated. That was three weeks ago. Real bears, unfortunately, don’t concoct plots to pilfer picnic baskets. Real bears have to earn their own food, and wait for a bunch of stupid salmon to jump out of the water and get eaten. If not for the prolonged naps, being a real bear would kinda suck.
How to be a Grizzly Bear: Scratch yourself.
Trees are a bears best friend. They are often known to just stand around all day long, waiting to be rubbed up against by any large mammal that may be in the area. Some of theme are even strong enough for bears to climb, and nap in for a few hours. You can also use them to sharpen your claws. Tree’s are magnificently useful.
How to be a Grizzly Bear: Poop.
Unlike humans, it’s socially acceptable to defecate in public areas. If you want to let loss a couple of butt nuggets in the middle of a nature trail, your fellow bears won’t have anything negative to say about it. It’s understandable why you did it. I can’t find a company that makes portipotties specifically for bears.
How to be a Grizzly Bear: Scratch, then go to sleep again.
Go find a tree, scratch your back with it, then go back to sleep. You’ve had a pretty rough day. Not only are you carrying around more than 600 pounds all day long, but there’s nothing truly amazing going on with your life outside off catching a 20 pound bass in your mouth every once and a while. This rest was earned.