The only way a couple can avoid fights is for both partners to stay single. No matter how logical you talk early on in a relationship, no matter how many lines in the sand you draw, it won’t help. When a fight starts, just get it over with and fight. If you put it off now, you’ll just wind up doing it later. For the purposes of this article, we will assume all of the fights are verbal.
Picking the Proper Time
The worst time to verbally spar is when one partner is alseep, recovering from a bad day at work or lying in a hospital bed. In these situations, the argument better be darn serious in order to initiate. These would be things like, “Honey, why is there a Land Rover sticking out of the living room wall?” or “Hey, THAT’S MY SISTER!!!”
Judge how serious the argument subject is. If it’s just about little issues like remmebering birthdays, social obligations or minor household chores, then wait until the partner is well rested, well fed and in a good mood before delivering the initial shot. Smile and don’t poke a finger into the partner’s chest – that automatically sets up the other person’s defenses.
Good And Bad
Arguing can be good, but it also can be horrible. The argument itself usually feels really good, especially if you are in the right, but afterwards it can be a little frightening, especially if you didn’t realize you had such volcanic feelings inside. When you live with anyone or spend an incredible amount of time with them, you unconsciously pick up on just how to push someone’s buttons. Your partner will also know how to push yours. Unless you are a saint AND your partner is also a saint, you will push those buttons whether you really meant it or not.
It takes two to fight, unless you are masochistic. If you are going into a relationship, expect fights. They are inevitable. You will hurt each other horribly many times in the relationship. Those hurts are also unavoidable. But it’s after the fight that makes all the difference.
After The Bout
If you fight about the same things over and over again, don’t fool yourselves and break up. It will never work out because one or both of you refuse to compromise, for whatever reason. But if the both of you apologize, the both of you make reparations and the both of you make an honest effort to avoid the spark that set off the powder keg of a fight in the first place, then both of you are demonstrating that you really value the other.
Remember that words are meaningless unless they are backed up with action. Long, heartfelt discussions every night where your partner promises to, for exqample, take out the garbage means squat if the garbage is never taken out and you are always the one stuck doing it. After a couple of days or weeks (depending on your instinct) see if there has been any positive change in your partner’s behavior. If not, it’s time for another verbal boxing match.
When You Know If Someone Is Abusive
If the fight is ever about a beloved and well mannered pet, then things are a little different. Whenever you are told, “It’s me or the pet,” get rid of the partner and keep the pet. The pet would never ask you to choose. Anyone who says, “It’s me or the pet” is an abuser, whether he or she has struck you or not. They definitely will in the future.
As for any physical fights, for the most part they are unacceptable and you should never have anything to do with the other again. Occasionally there are some reasons where you have to hurt the other — the Heimlich maneuver is not exactly pleasant to go through, but is necessary to perform on a partner if he or she is choking — but a drunken tantrum where someone winds up hospitalized is unforgivable. Do whatever it takes and get out of that relationship immediately.
As a general rule, if there is an argument between you and your signifigant other and the police somehow get involved, the relationship has ended. Don’t give the partner another chance; he or she has already proved their violence and untrustworthiness.
