The following is a work of satire. Complete fiction. The quotes may be real, but the names or events were changed to protect the idiotic.
Four states that border the Gulf of Mexico are all considering passage of one of the strictest anti-immigration laws since the passage of the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 or the Emergency Quota Act of 1921 or the Johnson Reed Act of 1924 or the National Origins Plan of 1929 or the McCarren-Walter Act of 1952. The legislatures of Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana are all considering what could be essentially considered clones of a bill that would target legal immigration into the United States by citizens of Britain. Lou Dobbs, former CNN pundit, is one of the biggest supporters of the proposed legislation. “I hope we won’t be frightened by a community of several million people in these four states that border the Gulf of Mexico who are attempting to come to terms with economic crime that is rampaging at the same level as crime in the largest city in the country, which is New York City.”
The impetus for the bill aimed strictly at legal immigration from residents of England is the disastrous oil spill at the hands of British Petroleum, better known as BP. As Louisiana Governor Bobby “Brady” Jindal put it, “this legislation represents another tool for our state to use as we work to solve a crisis we did not create and the federal government has refused to fix.”
British immigrants have been arriving legally up and down the Gulf Coast since almost three months after the explosion that led to the massive oil leak. Residents along the Gulf Coast seem to be nearly unanimous in their support of the bill. “Damn limeys come over here and take money away from real Americans and don’t give us anything in return. I, for one, am tired of British men and women taking advantage of the American system without paying the taxes to support it,” said shrimp boat captain Johnny Swift.
Opponents fear this legislation that has earned the support of all the Gulf Coast state governors except Florida’s Charlie Crist will result in racial profiling. “If you’re pale, talk in an accent and are slightly effeminate, you can be pulled over to explain why you are in these states,” asserts Sammy Clemens of Not-Nice.com. “It doesn’t take a genius to realize that more than a few frogs, krauts and Belgian waffle makers are going to be pulled over and be forced to show identification.
“Nonsense,” replies Alabama Governor Haley “Mills” Barbour. “This bill is directly aimed at those who have quite literally taken billions of dollars out of the hands of hard-working Americans and sent it back to an ugly lady with a big-nosed lazy son-of-a-beaching son. How many Frenchmen have you seen that look like one of these money-grubbing, anti-American Brits? They all go down to the Riviera every summer for that film festival and come back tanned. Besides, their accent is almost entirely different. This bill directly aims at those who are taking money from Americans. This is not racial profiling. This is taking American back.”
“These bills are more than just anti-American. They are anti-democracy. The British men and women who have come to the Gulf Coast are not taking away jobs that most Americans want. How many Americans would be willing to become the CEO of a company and not walk away with a 50 million dollar severance package when they got fired,” asks British government spokesman, Hugh “A Long,Long Way from Cary” Grant.