Ah, the good old summertime! What, aside from hitting the lottery or a Nobel Prize, could be better? I am forcibly reminded of a poem by that wise old philosopher (emphasis on the old), T. Cleveland Lane, on just this very subject.
Spurred on, as I most assuredly am by the noted muse, Carl F. Content, I find myself speculating, to the detriment of all else, about the many ways to have good, creative fun in the summer sun. Here is an all-encompassing list of seven.
1. Rake the leaves.
Okay, this one is a no-brainer, but, let me be swift to point out, you do not actually need to undergo a frontal and backal lobotomy to participate. I’m sure a smooth operator, such as yourself, could fake your way through with no problem at all.
But wait, you may wonder, either in your head or aloud, into an empty paper bag, there are no leaves to rake until the fall, right? Right you are, which makes this such an easy thing to accomplish. Just grab your rake, saunter over to the nearest grove, point to said rake and nod knowingly. There, you’re all done, and you have the whole rest of the day to yourself! Now who said you never did an honest lick of work in your life?
2. Heckle the dental students.
If it is high-class intellectual fun you’re looking for and you’re fortunate enough to live within range of our nation’s capital, you can’t beat taking a trip to the amphitheater in the University of the District of Columbia Dental School and razzing the hapless freshmen as they try to learn the intricacies of the root canal with charity patients.
The really neat thing about this activity is that you have rooting and heckling going on at the same time. Wowza!
3. Whomp up a batch of bathtub gin.
Do you suffer crippling nostalgia for a time you were not even alive to enjoy? Well, then, here is your chance to immerse yourself in the “Roaring 20s.” All it takes is a tasty batch of that famous bathtub gin the era was so noted for, and you’re in business. Now here’s the thing: it is remarkably simple to make. Even a five-year-old (with fake ID) could do it.
Here’s how it’s done. First, set your bathtub drain to the “closed” position. This is a critically important step. I would even go so far as to recommend re-opening the drain afterward, just to make sure you did, in fact, close it. Hopefully, at some future point, you will get around to closing it again.
Step two: march yourself over to your local liquor store and buy as much gin as you can fit into the pockets of your overcoat, safari shirt, cargo pants and porkpie hat.
Step three: pour all of step two into step one, then QUICK, before it’s too late, close the damn drain!
Then, to truly get into the spirit of the season, you can whip up a batch of bathroom-sink tonic. Blend the two and add a splash of lime-scented skin-bracer, and you’re ready to PAR TAY! Note that I left the commode untouched. You will need quick and easy access to it at some point after you have thrown down the contents of your other porcelain conveniences.
4. Rig your ride up with an exterior “good humor” sound system.
That’s the difficult part. Then comes the fun part, when you drive through residential neighborhoods, sounding the call to ice cream. Just when the tykes begin bolting from their houses, you turn off the sound and scram. Pretty nifty, huh?
5. Stage a Deuce Bigalow marathon.
Show your generous side by letting your guests in for free. Show your savvy business side by charging them $20 to leave before the European one comes on.
6. Wind sprints in the noonday sun.
They are even more invigorating when done in a Santa Clause suit, which should effectively serve to take your mind off the intense heat and the incipient stroke therefrom; plus which, you’ll probably shed a few of those unwanted pounds without having to eat food that tastes worse than the dirt it was grown in.
7. Check out our fine museums.
The great thing about Washington, DC, is that it is loaded to the gills with museums. Truly, there is nothing more satisfying than driving by each and every one of them and making sure they are still there. It gives you a tremendous sense of inner peace and has the added benefit of sending a not-so-subtle message to plundering marauders from outer space: we’re minding the store, down here in the D of old C!
There you have a list of favorite things to do in the summer months. Whose favorite things they are, I cannot say, but they certainly aren’t mine.
Is it, then, high time I ‘fessed up about my favorite thing to do in the summer months? All, right, I’ll capsize the beans. Call me an old stick-in-the-mud…All together, now…and a-vun and a-two and a-tree, TOM, YOU’RE AN OLD STICK-IN-THE-MUD!
Yes, well, in any case, my favorite summer thing is hitting the road to visit family. That’s pretty much it. And most of said family is in the exotic locales of Ohio and Pennsylvania. Wheeeeee!
But, you sputter in protest (Go ahead, sputter, you’re allowed here.), there are so many exciting places to go and things to see! What about them? Well, my good and well-read friends (I mean, you’re reading this, aren’t you?), it so happens I have been to London, Paris, Amsterdam, Florence and Yonkers, so what care I for glitz and glam? I’ve seen some of it and done some of it, but, seriously for a moment, spending time with true friends and family never gets old.
The Encyclopedia Albanicca (Vols. 57-59)
Nightmare about conversation with China’s Hu Jintao.
The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire, Leroy Gibbons (for definite article, line 1)