Get Him to the Greek
Release date: June 4
Starring: Jonah Hill, Russell Brand, Elisabeth Moss, Rose Byrne, Sean Combs and Sheryl Chambers as the Angry Flight Attendant
The gist: So, at some point after 2008, “Matt” the waiter — who was employed at Sarah Marshall’s Hawaiian resort — left the tropical paradise, changed his name to “Aaron Green” and joined a P Diddy-led record industry think tank charged with the task of figuring out how to keep Mr. Comb’s six black children well-stocked with Air Jordans. Luckily for Aaron, before his alter ego left the islands, he snagged the contact info for one Aldous Snow — the sometimes-obnoxious-sometimes-charming-and-then-sometimes-obnoxious-again British rock star who shagged Sarah Marshall while Jason Segel kvetched in the adjoining suite.
P Diddy gratefully assigns Aaron the task of bringing Aldous from his English-estate-cum-den-of-iniquity to Griffith Park where he is to perform a rehash of some other concert the rocker did back in 2000. Turns out this is easier said than done as Aldous quickly bedazzles Matt, suckering the ill-prepared corporate underling into adopting his debaucherous lifestyle. This, evidently, puts the concert into serious jeopardy leaving Comb’s six forlorn children pressing their noses against a Foot Locker window.
Testosterone level: an overflowing barbiturate cocktail’s worth.
Should you see it? Do you think Russell Brand is funny? Do you think Jonah Hill is funny? Do you think Sean Combs is funny? If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, get yourself an advanced ticket. Otherwise see if the theater is still showing Iron Man 2.
Should you take your woman? In Forgetting Sarah Marshall, your woman had to see Jason Segel’s dangling weiner in order to also get a look at Russell Brand’s hairy chest. Fair exchange. In Get Him to the Greek, she gets to see more of Russell, but she’ll also have to watch Jonah Hill vomit all over himself and put some contraband up his keister. Tough call. Gauge her mood before taking her.
Release date: June 4
Starring: Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley, Delphine Chaneac
The gist: “If we don’t use human DNA now, someone else will.” That’s right, first dibs is a perfectly justifiable reason for turning the Dow Lab you work for into the Island of Dr. Moreau. Right? RIGHT???
In the 180-some years since Dr. Frankenstein pushed the bounds of what OSHA deems safe laboratory practices, rogue scientists just never seem to learn their lesson. Creating new life-forms equals an inevitable backlash. Usually the kind with buckets of blood and guts on the floor.
Testosterone level: Splice looks a little subdued, to be honest.
Should you see it? Well, let me ask you , is this movie supposed to be scary? Because I don’t see what’s scary about a half-human/half-animal. Really. This could be like watching home movies of when I was just a baby sasquatch myself. If that’s frightful to you, then I don’t know how to respond.
Should you take your woman? Unlike you, women like movies about babies. So she’ll probably be the one dragging you to the theater.
Release date: June 4
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Tom Selleck, Catherine O’Hara
The gist: Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher push the Dear-God-My-Husband/Wife/Girlfriend/Boyfriend-Is-A-Lethal-Assassin concept started by True Lies and Mr. and Mrs. Smith into a full-fledged genre of its own.
Testosterone level: Just a splash.
Should you see it? Okay, I can see Arnold Schwarzenneger, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Katherine Heigl all declare head-of-household/lethal-killing-machine on their census forms. But Ashton Kutcher? Just not believable. Wait for a second-run theater showing if you really want to see Heigl blow some unlucky punk’s head clean off.
Should you take your woman? Not unless she plans to go alone.
Release date: June 11
Starring: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley, Rampage Jackson, Jessica Biel and Tom MacNeill as Norwegian Tourist.
The gist: If you have a problem and no one else can help and, if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team and they’ll blow your problem up for you.
Testosterone level: It’s the friggin A-Team!
Should you see it? Short answer – yes. Long answer – I don’t want to get fruity here by bringing up casting, but Liam Neeson can most certainly walk in the shoes of the late, great George Peppard, but the rest of the actor choices seem underwhelming. Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley and Rampage Jackson are all fine, classically trained thespians, I’m sure, but Dirk Benedict, Dwight Shultz and Mr.T they are not.
For one thing, Rampage seems a little docile compared to the ever-scowling Mr. T. It would be okay casting if Jackson played the mild-mannered Clark Kent to Mr. T’s Superman but, frankly, Gary Coleman made for a tougher-looking BA Baracus when he showed up as a pint-sized T on an episode of Different Strokes. And where’s the pile of gold chains?
Dwight Shultz didn’t have to merely “play” crazy when he inhabited Howling Mad Murcdoch. Shultz’ wife of nearly 30 years owns her own therapy practice. Coincidence? Copley can act himself a fine bit of “nuts”, but it’s no substitute for the real thing.
Bradley Cooper is handsome and that’s a good start. But Dirk Benedict was friggin Starbuck. He shagged just about every woman in the galaxy. You’ve got some catching up to do, Bradley.
But, since the original cast is no longer the virile young band of fugitives they were in 1983, we’ll have to make do. Yes, go see it.
Should you bring your woman? If she was born between 1970 and 1976, her nostalgic impulses for the A-Team probably run just as deep as yours. Otherwise she won’t give a rip.
Release date: June 18
Starring: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich, Will Arnett, Michael Shannon and Clint James as The Dead Body/Spectator
The gist: Jonah Hex survives a night of personal tragedy and disfigurement at the hands of John Malkovich and a gang of rough riders, turning Hex into a supernatural Old West Jason Bourne. Only ugly. Hex leaves a path of destruction in his dogged quest for revenge big enough to fill a two-and-a-half minute trailer full of explosions. Not your average Western.
Testosterone level: Plenty.
Should you see it? You bet. Hex straps a pair of Gatling guns to the side of his horse, fires off a full round of lead, and the pony doesn’t even flinch. There’s no telling what kind of wacky poop flies in this movie.
Should you take your woman? Like the trailer says, the bad guys took everything from Jonah Hex — his home, his family. But, most importantly, they took Brolin’s rugged good looks. No, don’t bring your woman.
Release date: June 25
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Salma Hayek
The Gist: Five junior high basketball stars from 1978 go their separate ways, grow up, get married, procreate and then bring their respective wives and progeny together 30 years later at a cabin on a lake. Here you’ll see Kevin James violently tumble through foliage, Rob Schneider make out with his 60-year-old bride, Adam Sandler yell at his kids and the whole reunited gang urinate in a swimming pool. Basically you get Meatballs meets The Big Chill, heavy on the meatballs.
Testosterone level: A junior high basketball team’s worth. Or at least the bench.
Should you go see it? Are you over 35? Are you feeling a bit sentimental? Have you already seen Iron Man 2 five times? If yes to all these, then go for it.
Should you bring your woman? Yes. If there is one thing Sandler, James, Rock, Schneider and Spade know how to do, it’s make you look like a Nobel Laureate to your woman by comparison. She’ll layoff browbeating you over your stupidity for at least a week. And you might even be able to send your overall manners on a sabbatical. You never know.
Eddy’s take on May releases.
Who is Edwyn Sasquatch and why is qualified to recommend movies?
Edwyn Sasquatch is a domesticated Bigfoot living in Northern California. While a stranger to the nuances of the female of our species, Eddy totally gets the American man. From excessive body hair to wallowing in his own stench, Edwyn’s expertise comes from a simpatico mind and spirit. So cheers! And, if you are a guy, be sure to take his opinions as gospel.