The 2010 summer movies are upon us. Iron Man 2, Shrek 4, Robin Hood 23 and the Prince of Persia top the list of big releases for May. Which films should the men of our species viddy well? And, of those movies, to which should our ladies tag along?
Intrepid media critic, Edwyn Sasquatch, weighs in.
Iron Man 2
Release Date: May 7
Starring: Robert Downey Jr, Gwyneth Paltrow, Mickey Rourke, Don Cheadle, Scarlett Johansson, Sam Rockwell, Samuel L. Jackson.
The gist: Tony Stark gets his Formula 1 race car totaled by Mickey Rourke in what might be a reprisal of his Randy “The Ram” Robinson character from The Wrestler. I’ll have to double-check that for you. This sends Tony into a fit of incredulousness the likes of which only the multi-billionaires among us ever seem to achieve.
Once back in the States, Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, and the rest of the Pentagon demand exclusive rights to the Iron Man suit — an obvious shout out to government takeovers in this the Obama era. Tony refuses, uttering the tag line the audience is waiting for, “I am Iron Man”. Meanwhile, Randy the Ram goes on a date with Sam Rockwell inside an airplane hangar. Next thing we know there’s a whole army of Iron Men battling some Iron Man-looking robots.
Testosterone level: High
Should you go see it? Come hell or high water, you’d better plant you butt in a theater seat May 7th. I counted fifteen explosions in the span of twelve seconds. Plus, Samuel L. Jackson with an eye patch is even badder than Jules Winnfield sporting a Bad Motherflippr wallet.
Should you take your woman? By all means. Your woman won’t want to accompany you to every man movie this summer, but there’s plenty here for her to sink her delicate sensibilities into. Downey Jr is fine to look at, especially in a tuxedo and, with the addition of Scarlett Johansson, I’m sensing the possibility of a token romantic interlude or two. When these come up feel free to excuse yourself to the men’s room. Or do what I do — close your eyes and remember how you can see Scarlett’s derriere in the opening sequence of Lost In Translation.
Release Date: May 10
Starring: Edward Norton, Robert De Niro, Milla Jovovich
The gist: Robert De Niro is a lonely bachelor who runs a prison as a front for a personal dating service. Edward Norton is a colorful redneck prisoner with white man’s cornrows. And Milla Jovovich is the sultry Eastern European concubine who comes between them.
I really don’t know what this movie is about, but the trailer opens with shots of barbed wire. There’s at least one prison fight. And I’m nearly 100% certain that Jovoich shows her nipples in this.
Testosterone level: Medium-ish.
Should you go see it? Well, like I said, I’d bet my Philosophy degree that Jovovich shows skin here. There’s also guns and possibly a shiv somewhere along the way. If your choice is this or Iron Man 2 for a fifth time, you might want to flip a coin.
Should you take your woman? If your woman likes artsy-fartsy movies, there’s a good chance she’ll dig this movie even more than you do. Otherwise stay clear. The only appealing love interest here is Milla and, unless your woman is a switch hitter, that’s just not going to work out.
Release date: May 14
Starring: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Max von Sydow, William Hurt
The gist: This is the 23rd cinematic incarnation of Robin Hood since a silent era debut came audiences’ way in 1912. And, in this version —
Wait a second, Max von Sydow is still alive? Good job, Max!
Testosterone level: Percolating.
Should you go see it? Did I mention this is the 23rd rendering of the Robin Hood tale since 1912? If you’re really all that for men in tights, go for it.
Should you bring your woman? You can go ahead and bring your fruit bat with you, sure. Since you’re strictly platonic with women, it won’t matter if she enjoys it or not, because there’s really nothing substantial she can take out on you. Heck, your lady friend will no doubt enjoy herself, anyway, since staring at Russell Crowe’s frontal bulge for two hours will not be a chore for her.
Shrek Forever After
Release date: May 21
Starring: Mike Meyers, Cameron Diaz, Eddy Murphy, Antonio Banderas, Jane Lynch, Larry King, Julie Andrews
The gist: Shrek gets a George Bailey peek at a world in which he’d never existed — and his loved-one’s lives are all the worse for it. At least, I think that’s what the fourth Shrek is all about. But does it really matter? As long as there are some farts and burps and at least a dozen moments in which the beloved nursery rhyme characters of our childhoods are put into freakishly adult situations, then we should be good.
Testosterone level: It’s a cartoon.
Should you see it? Yeah. Why not? The other three movies made you laugh, right? At the very least, it’s probably short.
Should you bring your woman? Yes. If there’s one occasion in which your woman will tolerate farts and burps, it’s while immersed in the Shrek franchise. You might even get away with a few of your own afterward as a sort of tribute to the night’s entertainment. Live it up.
Prince of Persia -The Sands of Time
Release date: May 28
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina
The gist: Jake Gyllenhaal plays an Arabian ninja who travels through time in a hot tub. Or wait — no he travels through time by using a dagger filled with magical sand. But instead of landing some place cool like the 1980s, he only seems able to travel as far back as that morning’s breakfast, leaving him surrounded by the same old buildings and dirty Persians who were around at the time he left. And there are some snakes, too.
Testosterone level: A brimming goblet’s worth.
Should you see it? Yes. There’s sword fighting and jumping from buildings and bad guys with scarred faces and snakes leaping out of the sand!
Should you bring your woman? Yep. Because, you see, Jake Gyllenhaal has really dreamy eyes. And even though the trailer shows them peering oh-so-enchantingly into the camera no less than five times, you probably didn’t notice. But make no mistake, your woman did! While you get to soak in all the swashbuckling action, your woman well be swept away into a living romance novel cover. I hope you don’t mind she’ll be thinking about someone else in the bedroom after the movie. Whatever. You got to see fifty guys get whacked with a cutlass.
Check back soon for Edwyn’s take on the June releases.
Who is Edwyn Sasquatch and why is he qualified to recommend movies?
Edwyn Sasquatch is a domesticated Bigfoot living in Northern California. While a stranger to the nuances of the female of our species, Eddy totally gets the American man. From excessive body hair to wallowing in his own stench, Edwyn’s expertise comes from a simpatico mind and spirit. So cheers! And, if you are a guy, be sure to take his opinions as gospel.