It’s time again, despite popular demand, for another installment of “What Does Darren Think.” I know you’re just dying to know what an amateur wordsmith who lacks credentials really thinks about. Well, what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is eating habits and, as a typical guy, I can say with complete certainty that it’s not just lately. Eating is a topic of great interest to any guy, and we work really hard to firmly establish eating habits. It’s not easy, but true love is worth the effort
According to our friendly FDA, eating habits should include foods that require more time chewing than a typical cow spends chewing cud. At least it’s what I gather, from the eating guideline charts plastered on breakfast cereal boxes. But the FDA is, according to recent polls, a government agency and as such shouldn’t be trusted. I figure, as a typical guy, my safest bet is to do the opposite of what any agency recommends, unless it would result in jail time or an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman.
This being my guiding principle, it means I can keep pizza as part of a complete diet. The beautiful thing about typical guy foods is they’re all interchangeable. With proper planning, a typical guy breakfast food like ice cream, can serve decently as a desert. And you know, even if you’re not a guy, that chocolate can serve any menu purpose.
If you don’t believe how important establishing eating habits are to a typical guy, try this experiment. On one side of a room, place a double cheeseburger with extra cheese and a side of fries. (This is a favorite meal for a typical health-conscious guy.) One the other side, place an extremely attractive woman wearing only a French bikini (i.e. sunglasses and sandals). Find a typical guy and give him only one choice, either he can eat the burger and fries or sleep with the woman. Bring a mop, too, because with this many stimuli in one place a typical guy will produce enough drool to fill Lake Erie. Because he has already established certain eating habits, he will forego the sexy woman and choose to eat the burger and fries. Also, as a typical guy, he knows the burger won’t tell him no and his odds with the fries are promising.
As I have shown with this scientific experiment that I invented all by myself, eating habits are very important to guys. I will “let it out in the open” that I, too, am a typical guy and possess eating habits as well. As earlier stated, ice cream is my typical breakfast, with chocolate and pizza added very carefully, by which I mean randomly, to ensure a complete diet. Other necessary items that keep my eating habits going are burgers and, when money is low, Skittles. Actually, it’s not typical for me to eat Skittles. I just like saying the word Skittles.
Eating habits, as they’re outlined here, are important to the typical guy because, like Star Trek, it’s vital for just being a guy. So follow my lead, guys! Create new eating habits with cheeseburgers, pizza, potato chips dipped in cheese sauce, and ice cream! You can have that amazing, svelte, virile body of a pregnant hippo you’ve been dreaming of!! Be typical!