Driving Manual for Idiots
Are you making a right turn.? NO? Then get out of this lane so the other 20 drivers lined up BEHIND you can make a right turn.
See that sign. It says DO NOT WALK. So what the hell are you doing? Are you SO special that you get to walk anytime you please and HOLD up traffic?
No U-Turn. Do you even know what a U looks like? Do you know your alphabet? It is one simple letter. U. So don’t make a U -Turn.
The light is GREEN. That means GO. It means quit texting, put down the phone, step on that magic device called a gas pedal and GO.
That light is red. As in STOP you IDIOT. Yellow may mean “go like hell”, but RED means STOP. Put your foot on the freaking brake and quit trying to kill someone.
This is a school zone. That mean kids, who have to IQ of two and the attention span of a monkey on cocaine, tend to wander across the street whenever they please. BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS and YOU ARE THE ADULT and the whole secret in going through a school zone is NOT to kill a kid. Or even bump a kid. So SLOW DOWN.
That solid yellow line means DO NOT PASS. Because you are going up a hill and you are not God. You cannot see what is coming up the other side of the big hill. It might be a BIG truck which will squashed like a bug on a windshield. The last thing that will go through your mind will be your ass. Do not pass as BIG trucks and little cars driven by people with little brains, do not mix. The truck will always win.
See the blue sign? See the wheelchair on the blue sign?. See the words handicapped? Can you read? Let us make this easy. If you are NOT handicapped, you should NOT park in a place for the handicapped. Again, you are NOT special, you are probably fat and a little walk won’t hurt you. So park somewhere else.
See that flashing red light in your mirror? Whoops – you don’t because you are texting. Hear that noise. It is called a siren. Whoops, you have you IPOD on and your favorite song, Why Am I so Stupid is playing. And your windows are rolled up and the air conditioning is going full blast. I hope you are COMFORTABLE!!! The person in the ambulance may die, but that is okay as it is ALL about YOU!
I am so GLAD that you are in far left lane of the freeway. The lane meant for passing. But you are helping us all save gas , as you are going 50 miles per hour in the passing lane. Do not worry about that semi riding your butt. He is not trying to tell you anything. He is very happy that you are going 50 in the passing lane. Maybe you can go 40. That might make that angry, red-faced truck driver calm down.
See the ditch? Whoops, you are in the ditch. So sorry. What have we learned about ice on the road? Maybe we should SLOW DOWN YOU IDIOT! When you have a four -wheel drive, it means you slide on all four wheels and end up in a ditch. Wasn’t that a fun lesson? You wanted a new car anyway and you should be out of traction in about four months.
You are special. Park anywhere you want. It is okay to double park and take up a whole lane and let people back up behind you.. You will learn a whole new bunch of swear words. Why is that man pounding on your window?