People don’t grow out of their “I want what I want and I want it now!” attitude simply when they transition from child to adult in age. Making it through a few experiences with your life in tact when you know it was only by the grace of God that you aren’t dead or worse, tends to condition you to take life as it comes and learn to trust the creator with His purpose for placing you where He does.
In the book turned film “There Eyes Were Watching God” the main character played by Halle Berry narrates “There’s two things people got to find out about for their selves. They got to find out about love; and they got to find out about living.” Sooner or later everyone has to learn for themselves that life is about the journey and not the destination.
“I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.” Eccl 9:11
Disappointment is a feeling I needed to learn to embrace. I needed to learn it bad. This lesson came in the form of my first serious relationship. Before I met him I was a carefree 22 yr old on my way to climbing the corporate ladder and pursuing music dreams on the side. At that stage in my life, no one, and I mean no one could tell me anything. Whatever I wanted I went for it and got it with almost a snap of my fingers. I didn’t like this guy at first. He wasn’t my type in the least bit, but sharing music and getting high can change a lot of things. Believing you are in love can make you do crazier things.
Within months of dating I followed him to another state and the nightmare of my life began. Early on I kept feeling in my spirit that the relationship was tearing me down instead of building me up. I tried to leave him numerous times but he was relentless in convincing me to stay. He actually orchestrated getting me hospitalized just for wanting…no..needing to leave him.
I eventually settled into the relationship but I was certainly changed from the carefree and drug free 22 yr old he met. I became comfortable with the fact that this must be the man I’m going to spend my life with. We’ll marry and start our family when things ‘get right’; whatever ‘get right’ meant. Going through everything I went through and sacrificing all I sacrificed for him also gave me the warped belief that I deserved to eventually have that with him. The devil is a liar.
The truth was I deserved more, but the person I allowed him to turn me into made it hard to see that woman in the mirror. I was too good for him when he met me, but when I became a reflection of him it became easier for him to let me go. I had mixed emotions about this. I was the one who said it. “Then what are we together for?!” “You said that! Not me!” was his response. We were breaking up for real this time. I found myself in the position of “But..but..wait a minute, let’s talk about this.” He was done talking.
I mourned the relationship for a few weeks, but being back with family, hanging out with girl friends, and getting back to work again snapped me out of it. I saw the breakup for the blessing it was. I began going to church again for the first time in years. Filling my spirit with God’s Word took on a deeper dimension after actually going through a trial. I fell in love with me again knowing I’d never let another person on this Earth trick me into settling for less than I deserve just so they can get what they know they don’t deserve; me.
Of course the trials didnt end. They’d reappear in different forms but I began to realize that there was always something good that came out of what seemed so bad. I learned to take the bitter for the sweet.
I was seasoned in disappointment when I received a lay off from a very long term temp job in April 2009. I held on to the promise that the long term temps would be hired once the hiring freeze from the parent company lifted, but the economy had other plans. After I received notice of when my last day would be, I realized my life plan was in need of some serious tweaking anyway. I knew I didn’t want to work in a cubicle forever but I was sort of going through the motions; focusing on small goals when I should have been making bigger ones. The layoff prompted me to make serious moves towards my future. I decided to return to school majoring in Psychology. I’d had more than my fill of the 9-to-5 rat race.
I chose to take online classes at a Christian university to finish my education. I began having an essay due every week and the brain work was exhilarating. Becoming a student again, and a straight A student at that, resurrected a side of me I had long forgotten about. I’m a writer. “Dead Woman Walking” was the first poem I had written in 10 years. I got so caught up in songwriting and producing music that I neglected the spoken poetic expression that came so natural to me. Soon book ideas began coming to me and I began outlining and working on them.
It was in the middle of a writing class that I discovered the opportunities for making money from freelance writing. It was a Monday and I was just thinking about the free time I have and how I wish I could find something productive to fill those moments with. It was only a small thought, just a feeling; but it was like the Lord heard it as a prayer. Within the hour, after I checked out of my student portal and began my recreational web surfing, I accidentally stumbled upon the companies that hire writers. It was almost too good to be true getting paid for what I already love to do, but I just thanked the Lord and applied to the companies that interested me. I was hired by each of them. Within a week I started receiving deposits for my writing. Shortly after that I found Associated Content. The rest is the future and the sky is the limit. Glory to God!
I’m thankful a marriage to that boy didn’t happen. I’m happy I was laid off from that job last year instead of hired. I couldn’t have predicted I would be at this place this time last year, but it feels like a sweet dream. Because I didn’t get what I wanted, I’m walking into my true destiny.
© M.G. Kidd