If you are considering a career as a James Bond supervillain, you had better think again. Of course, there are a lot of perks, including exotic locations, lots of fun high-tech toys, gobs of money, armies of henchmen eager to do anything you tell them to do (no matter how crazy) and glamorous women (or men, depending). On the downside, you will have a life expectancy of approximately two hours once Her Majesty’s Secret Service sends James Bond after you.[i]
The thing is, you will never be able to get rid of him. You can’t kill James Bond, no matter what you do to him. He will find that poisonous spider before it bites him. Poison-tipped switchblades hidden in your shoes won’t work, either. If you throw him out of an airplane, he will just free-fall until he catches up to the guy who is wearing the parachute, wrestle it from him, put it on himself and land safely, without even a scratch on him, let alone being flattened like a pancake, which is what you had obviously intended. I mean, that dude is good!
James Bond is so good that he doesn’t even bother to use an alias. That 007 thing is just a formality. He spies under his own name, which he usually announces very clearly to everyone within earshot as, “Bond. James Bond.” You would think that, by now, word would have gotten around the entire espionage grapevine so that big, huge red flags would go up anywhere in the world where Mr. Bond’s handsome face is spotted, but, for some obscure reason, that hasn’t happened.
Make no mistake about it; this guy James Bond will kill you. You won’t die quietly in bed of natural causes. In fact, your demise will be pretty damned painful and dramatic. If you are not sucked out of a broken window in an airplane, you are likely to fall from a bridge or be eaten by barracuda. Don’t let me forget to mention that you are very likely to be done in by Mr. Bond turning one of your own diabolical playthings right around against you. He’ll do that, you know.
Bond villains should be either strange looking or ugly. At any rate, you can’t be as handsome as our Mr. 007, no matter how much money you have for plastic surgery and spa treatments. It just isn’t done. He’s the handsome one; you’re the nasty one. That’s how it works.
By the way, he will steal your girlfriend, if you have one. He’s an expert at that. Sometimes he even persuades them to repent and work for the good guys, thereby turning against you, the supervillain. Note to potential Bond girls: you have chosen a very perilous profession. He always survives, but sometimes you don’t. He might be momentarily sad to lose you, but he’ll get over it very fast. I just thought I’d let you know.
You will need a lot of henchmen, including at least one primary henchman. Preferably, this should be a man who spends a lot of time at the gym and doesn’t talk much. It helps if he has a special skill, such as the ability to throw a metal hat like a frisbee or do a great free-fall from an airplane while biting someone’s leg with metal dentures. He should not be very bright, but still be able to take the controls of a spacecraft if need be, or get into Fort Knox without being stopped.
You are not exactly going to be an unsung villain. Bond villains never are. You might want to start thinking about that opening song, who will sing it and what kind of really cool graphics will go with it. That’s important. You have your image to think about.
If you still have ambitions to start the next world war, steal all the gold you can get your hands on, or wreck havoc in general, just be sure to keep all of the above in mind, and make sure your life insurance is current.
[i] Unless, of course, your name is Blofeld. A Blofeld can survive a few clashes with 007, but even he will “get his” eventually, and it won’t be pleasant.