I think I may have solved the United State’s energy problem. Or maybe partially solved. What do you think is the primary use of energy in the country? You don’t know? That’s great news because I’m going to claim that it’s heating and lighting and you can’t dispute it, because you don’t know either. If it’s actually transportation or grilling out that would blow my whole thesis, so nobody check, OK?
Heating and lighting. When do we need them the most? At night, right? It’s colder at night, and well of course it’s darker at night as well. Well, sure, there are those people living in Vermont where it’s cold all year, but some people have just never figured out how to use a globe. So, how did I come across this ingenious solution, you ask? Well, while it is true that I attended a most prestigious institute of higher learning where I amassed much technical knowledge, most of it during my time at Pritchard Hall – In fact, this brilliance, like the guy who left his moldy cheese out and cured leprosy, came from a more learned study of a show called “The Simpsons”.
Now, I must admit to not having seen the show for many years, but I did see one recently (Quick check of TV.com shows it was 15 years ago. Holy crap. That was 15 years ago? And why do I keep using the word “recently” to describe events from the 80s and 90s anyway?) where the sinister Montgomery Burns slant drills all of the oil from under Springfield Elementary School and then attempts to block out the sun in order to make the townspeople use even more electricity from his nuclear power plant.
Now, I’m all about helping mankind and not hurting it (frankly, there’s more money in saving mankind than destroying it – Trust me, I’ve done the numbers. Plus, to destroy mankind you need a secret volcano hideout and a posse of evil henchmen. Way too many upfront costs. Do you know how much a posse costs these days? You just can’t get financing these days for a posse. It’s viewed as a “poor investment choice”. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, M.C. Hammer.)
Anyway, my idea is the reverse of Mr. Burns’ evil scam. Instead of erecting large sun-blocking devices, place large mirroring devices around the earth and perhaps in stationary orbit to always allow light to be directed around the earth towards our country, reducing the required heating and lighting needs. Their lenses could focus the light as necessary in order to travel long distances around the planet. Just like the old magnifying glass you used to burn ants and flies as a kid. Though this does add a bit of difficulty to commercial air travel. As an added benefit, any solar cells can be humming 24/7, and if we make some of the mirrors curved, we can see if anyone’s coming around the corner.
Impractical? Small on details? Sure it is. I don’t have all the answers. I’m just a facilitator. Don’t we have a ton of NASA engineers and no new fasteners, orange breakfast drinks, or useful planets to discover?
Was air conditioning invented before someone said, “It sure is hot in here”?
Was aluminum foil invented before someone said, “Hey, this plastic wrap doesn’t blow up in the microwave”?
Was the Snuggie invented before… Well, the Snuggie just sucks. What the hell is wrong with us?
Here are just a few of the wonderful benefits to society:
1) More heat and light, and therefore less energy use.
2) Less graffiti and other mischief that goes on in the dark.
3) Easier to catch your daughter sneaking out at night.
4) Longer “day” means that people can work longer and sleep less.
Hmmm. Never mind. It’s a stupid idea, anyway. Forget the whole thing.
