As I think we’ve established in the previous seven editions of my groundbreaking American History series, few people on the planet know as much about the history of this great country than that guy named David Mc-Something-Or-Other, who writes all those books about shit that happened a long time ago-1772, or whatever year it was, and Sam Adams are just a couple of his finest offerings. When I approached him with the idea of maybe collaborating on the eighth edition of the series, he looked at me and said, “F off!” which is one of the reasons I wanted so much to work with him-he has such mastery of the English language. See how he cleverly substituted the words “F off!” for the phrase “I’d be delighted to work with a man of your great knowledge and talents!”? Unfortunately, he just couldn’t work it into his busy schedule-something about “I’d sooner collaborate with an aids infested crack whore”-so I’m flying solo again. But I promise this edition will be every bit as informative as the previous seven, and if you read those, you know you’re about to learn some stuff you never knew because I haven’t made it up yet.
So here to make you just a little bit smarter is a list of little known facts about a variety of subjects involving our great history. I can’t wait until David Mc-What’s-His-Name gets a load of this. He’ll be regretting he ever decided to collaborate with that crack whore instead of me.
Little Know Fact #1
President Lincoln was not assassinated. He was simply tired of all the fan attention and faked his death so he could quietly go into hiding and live the rest of his life in anonymity getting fat and eating fried peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwiches. Oh wait, I think that was Elvis. Yeah, I’m pretty sure Lincoln’s head was blown off. My bad.
Little Know Fact #2
Nobody, including President Monroe, fully understood what the Monroe Doctrine was all about. As he later confessed, “I just started writing a bunch of junk and the next thing I knew I had a doctrine. I didn’t even know what a doctrine was, but I figured as long as I had one, I’d name it after myself. Then I had some of my people read it and they told me it was some pretty important and profound shit. I said cool, let’s go with it. Then we all went to Hooters and celebrated. A night I’ll never forget.”
Little Know Fact #3
Holy crap, those are some enormous breasts on Miss West Virginia!
[Editor’s Note: While writing this article, Numbnuts is watching the swimsuit competition of the Miss USA Pageant. You may disregard Little Known Fact #3 as it has nothing to do with American history. We apologize.]
Little Know Fact #4
The Boston Tea Party wasn’t really a tea party at all because, really, it’s not a tea party if there are no scones. Gotta have scones! Am I right?
Little Know Fact #5
Weighing in at well over three bills, William Howard Taft was not only our fattest president, he was also the gassiest. Secretary-of-State Philander Knox later recalled, “We’d be in the middle of an important cabinet meeting and all of a sudden he’d lean to his left, lift one cheek up off his chair, and unleash a barrage of the most awful smelling, window-rattling farts anyone had ever experienced. Then with a serious look on his face he’d say, ‘That last one felt a little wet. Vice President Sherman, check my shorts!’ and he’d let out a roar. We all hated that fat bastard.”
Little Know Fact #6
The Missouri Compromise had something to do with Missouri and involved some kind of compromise. I can’t really go into further detail at this time because I didn’t pay attention in class the day my history teacher covered that particular topic. But I can tell you that Carolyn Petty was wearing an extremely short, plaid skirt that day. She sat kitty-corner from me. Nice girl. Great legs.
Little Know Fact #7
Manifest Destiny-perhaps the most misunderstood piece of our history-was an important 19th century concept where…
Miss Michigan? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Miss Michigan? Miss Oklahoma was way hotter than her! And Miss Virginia-she was smokin’ hot too!
[Editor’s Note: We apologize again. We try to keep the dipshit on track, but it’s a lost cause. We’ve tried everything! Cookies, candy, but the guy’s mind just won’t stay focused and the next thing we know, he’s off on some tangent. Honestly! That man’s attention span is like that of a 2-year-old! We’re considering getting a shrink involved but… Holy crap! Miss Oklahoma really is way hotter!]