You open your eyes after a good night’s sleep. You stretch and revel in the stream of sunlight coming through the window. The birds are chirping and it’s a glorious day. You look at your husband’s side of the bed and think that he must have gotten up early. You don’t smell coffee brewing, but you can hope!
You walk through the living room on the way to the kitchen and almost trip over your husband. He is curled up in the fetal position. Every now and then his head twitches to the side, causing a drop of drool to fall into the puddle by his cheek. In his hand is clutched a bottle of Midol Premenstrual Formula.
You raise an eyebrow. What the…oh yeah.
Slowly, memories of the night before settle into your waking mind. You gasp as you remember the things you said and did to the man you love. You dial 911.
“Hello, I need an ambulance my husband encountered my PMS last night…I’m not sure if he’s going to be alright!”
The operator responds with a sharp intake of air and assures that a code “Satan’s Helper” will be called out and a team will be there shortly. She further asks you to lay flat on the ground and wait until the SH team gets there. You are instructed to avoid eye contact with them with a warning of felony charges if the instructions are not followed.
You have just experienced the day after a bout of PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome). While you may not be legally responsible for the things you did the night before, since you were coherent enough to call 911, you are now considered to have a semblance of sanity and will be held responsible for your actions from here on out. This whole situation could have been avoided if you had only know a few tricks that you could have done to protect your family from your hormone fluctuations.
Mark your calender. Keep track of your PMS as best you can so that you can put into action the process of protecting you and your family from this rage of hormones.
Wear designated clothing. Some women wander aimlessly around the house in a bathrobe, waiting for some kind of provocation to set that inner demon loose. If you have such a bathrobe or other item of clothing, it’s a good idea to put it on the day before your PMS starts so that your family has a visual warning.
Keep stocked. If you use something that actually works for your PMS, then make sure you have a good supply of it on hand. It could save your family. Also be sure that the things you crave are around, in a special place so that your family doesn’t inadvertently eat them and cause the Apocalypse right there in your kitchen. Chocolate is especially susceptible to this.
Avoid processed foods. As if the woman’s body doesn’t have enough fluctuation, processed foods can make your PMS even worse! Try to eat healthy foods as a way to regulate your body system and possibly cut down on PMS symptoms.
Be prepared for communication. This is a tricky one. You are going to want to say horrible things to your loved ones. Instead, video tape, write or digitally record your concerns. Delete them once you come to your senses. This may be enough to fool your hormones into believing that you are following your impulses, and is a great way to protect your relationships.
Isolate. Again, you may be tempted to expose your loved ones to this new version of you. Don’t, unless you are prepared to face charges and the possibility of divorce. Instead, find something to do on your own until this critical time has passed.
Prepare an Emergency Kit. Women with PMS can be heartbroken over simple things, like cat food commercials (Don’t ask). Keep a box of things available to help relieve your anxieties, like cards from your loved ones or photos of you and your loved ones.
Remember that PMS is a temporary state. Even if you don’t think you are to blame for your actions during this period, your husband may feel differently when you projectile vomit your way up the living room wall.
