Unique phenomena affect the Floridian landscape continually; whether they are natural or manmade, consequential or insignificant, intermingling or invasive. There are ever-increasing reports of large pythons in the Everglades and menacing monitor lizards, some of which can be larger than cats (and we all know there are zillions of those in Florida), roaming the Southern Florida Gulf coastal areas. Then of course, the Floridian landscape could never escape the grasp of the ‘mythical creature’, so Florida harbors in the shadows what is known as Stinkfoot. For those of you who are blissfully unaware of this elusive creature, Stinkfoot is a Sasquatch-like monster that was evicted from the mountainous regions of the north, by the Sasquatch, due to his pathological inability to appreciate the accolades of shampoo and deodorant. Then, of course there are feral pigs, but this pain in the pork roast is taking over the nation, not just Florida.
There is another bizarre creature growing in numbers faster than fire ants in a flower bed throughout the Floridian regions, and it also appears that it too has been expelled from its natural habitat. This unsightly creature, which is quickly recognized by its unique characteristics such as the fish-belly complexion, teeth that often appear to be a conga line of miniature rejected Fritos, a maw constantly skewed into an expression of persistent discontent, and an odor that makes Stinkfoot’s eyes water, is creeping onto the Floridian landscape as yet another feral oddity. This misshapen creature, known to some as the British Floridian (Humongous Painintherumpus) is consuming space throughout Florida quicker than hokey Disney bumper stickers on hybrid cars.
Studies indicate that these bizarre creatures known as the British Floridian (Cussus Miserus) are a lumpy, griping, knuckle-dragger hailing from exotic lands far away that are dark, drizzly and cold, and where palatable food is rarer than the humorous Bill Maher monologue. Researchers suggest these creatures, the British Floridian (Whinius Snivelus), were dragged by the tufts of hair over their pocked arse (an unsightly organ best not seen or touched) to their western shores and told by their former countrymen, “Hey, they’ll put up with just anything over there for a buck, so off you go or we’ll deport the people who tie your shoes for you, because everyone knows you couldn’t possibly do it yourselves.”
Placed in a position where they might have to do, well, anything for themselves, these funky creatures, the British Floridian (Simperus Pussius) somehow managed to cross the pond and crawl through the Sea Grapes (well, they must have piggy-backed on something, since even crawling requires independent effort) of the Floridian coasts and migrate inland, where they seemingly bred to excess (yeah I know…eww) and consumed massive amounts of foreclosed properties, defunct real estate offices and a smattering of other failed businesses. While this particularly capitalistic brand of consumption does appear somewhat sensible from a distance, and upwind, the inimitable British Floridian (Devoidus of Personalitus) has created an exceptional niche among Florida’s feral population- it can exercise no independent ability while simultaneously exhibiting zero appreciation-ability for whatever is done for it, which is absolutely everything. It does exhibit an ability to pay, but pay it must, because it cannot…do…anything.
Because this peculiar creature, the British Floridian (Setonus to Annoyus) harbors a marked anomaly of the complete inability to care for its own simplest needs other than the bark with the turned-up snout, it comes highly recommended that all Floridian fauna actually near the top of the food chain take into consideration these 7 Things to Avoid regarding the British Floridian (Perpetualus Buzzkillus). Because we here at the 7 Things to Avoid PSA offices care about your quality of life.
Shopping. Now, while we surely don’t recommend that you avoid the act of shopping, since this is both impossible and unwise, we do recommend you avoid shopping near the proximity of the British Floridian (Insipidus Arrogantus) anywhere the employees and/or customer service personnel may face more than 3.6 seconds of the organism in question. This is because this pastel metazoan has one uncanny ability it exhibits well- it can easily irritate, annoy, and generally piss off and decimate the mood of all people in service-related positions, making it virtually impossible for anyone else to occupy the vicinity of these people if they are not afforded the opportunity to step out of sight and kick the snookers out of a bleached, blubber-filled potato sack to relieve the pressure. Because this opportunity may not be provided until the scheduled fifteen-minute break, the last nerve of anyone forced to endure the British Floridian (Miserus Mannerus) could blow at any moment, possibly incurring a newsworthy event.
Dining Out. Just as we suggest in the category of shopping, it is not our intention to suggest one never enjoy the delight of a favorite restaurant. Dining out is widely considered one of the most popular and enduring acts of pleasure and simple luxury known to civilization. Even simple menus such as those that feature burgers and pizza persist, because they can surely be where the most fun resides. However, some proper reconnaissance might be prudent, particularly for those enjoying the dating scene. It would be a good idea to avoid dining establishments known to frequent the feral abnormality in question, as the disposition of the maître d’ will be so destabilized that the likeliness of the entire restaurant’s employee roster will be out back expectorating and who-knows what else all over everything that was once edible. Further, the ambiance will likely degrade to something similar to a hurricane refugee shelter that’s been overpopulated for three weeks in ankle-deep water. This would not be conducive to achieving future dates nor would it be suitable for trophy-winning little league teams.
Motorized Tours. Generally speaking, motorized tours are good fun. These may be go-karts, buggies or expired mail jeeps now painted to resemble exploration vehicles designed especially for the ‘unique’ safari from which they hold sway and inspire awe, no matter how many dot the Floridian landscape. They could be some colossal 4X4 bus thrusting large crowds through the citrus tundra. They could also be aquatic in nature, with hoards of onlookers gazing over the rails of some boat or marine contraption, gawking into the murky waters for pythons or Black Lagoon creatures. But if any of these various vehicles are significantly populated with the homeotherm of concern, then the level of humor can degrade to the exuberance of a loan modification. Be particularly careful of the driver of the craft being in constant proximity to these feral irritants, especially if it is a vehicle that can achieve a high rate of speed within an area where there are immovable objects.
Discount Outlets. While such locations would normally be the ideal shopping point for the financially frugal, be wary of the Whinius Snivelus, as it will surely attempt to create an atmosphere of morbid parsimony, ranting on about how everything in sight is a swindle and how all involved should make amends for such transgressions with an extra 80% off. Okay, this is admittedly not a big deal, but when combined with everything else, a major exasperation.
Common Courtesy. While the enlightened and charming people from the UK are reputed to be resplendent with civility and beguiling humor, the throwbacks that branched off and then crept over the shores of Florida and actually minimized the negative effects of the BP oil debacle cannot be so categorized. So, while we do not suggest avoiding common courtesy by being rude or provocative (do not provoke or taunt Simperus Pussius), we can reveal with assurance that attempts of graciousness will prove to be a colossal waste of time. Simply put, evasion is the keyword.
Driving on the right side of the road. While Humongous Painintherumpus generally negotiates traffic with a minimum of incidents (other than creepy glares and constant griping about everyone else’s driving), Florida has discovered it’s far better to ensure this glitch in the genetic code only drives within a particular population density. This is because they have this odd tendency to desire driving on the wrong side of the road when there are no examples to follow. Now, one might expect this from the occasional tourist from places such as Britain and other exotic locations where driving on the left side is the norm, but it tends to become yet one more source of annoyance from our subject, what with them becoming long-term -gulp- residents. We can only hope that this is not some yet-one-more defiant act to force this as a consideration demonstrating another of their overblown opinions of how ‘this is how it is supposed to be’. Other Floridians hominids are at the point where they can only take so much more of this before they start reenacting scenes from The Happening.
Dentist Offices and other Orthodontia. These locations should…uh, should…no, wait. These locations are fine. The chances of running into problems with or enduring issues with Cussus Miserus in any of these locations are miniscule. Please proceed as planned.
So, there you have it. We want to point out that there will surely be other concerns regarding Nastius Woosius in the future, but these 7 Things to Avoid should provide enough food for thought among the various demographics within Florida that don’t actually believe the planet exists for their benefit. So, while it appears these insipid kooks are settled in, we can only hope they eventually recognize that everything around them exists for its own sake, not theirs. While many of you reigning from regions beyond Florida may not have an appreciable understanding of the situation (you know, like the rest of the world not getting why the biggest aluminum foil ball is an advertized event), our Floridian readers are sure to keep these points in mind, and may even give a hearty salute.