Throughout our lives, our faith in what occurs around us is continually tested, and what’s more, rarely relieved with proof to where our faith lies. The vast majority of spiritual and religious faiths are still waiting for their ultimate moments, whether they are some sort of Apocalypse, Nirvana, or Hakuna Matata. Few are the prophesied moments that allow us a definitive date to look forward to when seeking a paradigm shift within reality- a genuine miracle. Few prophecies are like the upcoming December 21st, 2012 moment, as prophesied by the Mayan calendar and numerous other spiritual, philosophical, and even astrological disciplines.
There seems to be some elements of confusion as to what may occur on or around this date, so don’t think you can go out there and act as if there’s no tomorrow quite yet. After all, while some doomsday prophets are suggesting the world will end on or about 12/21/2012, others are suggesting this day, or period of time (as the occurrence may require more than one single day and therefore could be under way) might mark a positive change, as the potential for a spiritual awakening within humanity, or perhaps the joining of our human society with that of an extraterrestrial species. Yes, there is always the chance that our wondering of whether we’re alone in the universe might be satisfied. Then, there are those who purport that when this date is written out numerically, there are a lot of numbers 1 and 2 in it.
Then of course, there are the specific concerns, such as our planet colliding with the errant planet Nibiru, because there is sufficient reason to suspect that NASA and the Vatican are hiding their knowledge of such things. Further, there is a potential for astronomical destruction, now that we’re truly dawning on the Age of Aquarius and approaching the Galactic Alignment, which could easily open doors to events strong enough to challenge Earth’s protective conditions, such as the magnetic field and the dense atmosphere we now enjoy to prevent the boiling off of bodily moisture as well as the atmosphere. There is some evidence to suggest a weakening of the planet’s geomagnetic force and that there may be a potential for geomagnetic reversal in the near future, although specialists claim this could take thousands of years to complete. We should hope so, because scientists theorize that the loss of the activity within the core of Mars is what killed it.
But then, there are still a lot of people out there who find affinity for psilocybin mushrooms and sucking on colorful Amazon frogs.
So, where do we, the average public and people next door, go with this? The Y2K Bug was clearly a bust, although there were a handful of people who made some tidy profits with that scare. And we can’t forget our overwhelming concerns for H1N1 and the mixed feelings about OU812. Because verily, there have been reasons to concern ourselves with Big Brother since the mid-eighties and beyond. The economic situation of the planet has reached catastrophic proportions and yet we still continue to drink the Kool-Aid passed on to us by the government regarding the situation. After all, you could be completely skeptical of the situation and find the entire thing as ridiculous as the popularity of The Bachelor/ Bachelorette debacle, yet when the date in question rolls around, you’re going to feel at least some apprehension.
Because of all of these issues, we believe there are approximately seven things you’ll want to avoid on December 21st, 2012 (which is a Friday, so it won’t severely impact the work week) if you’re going to see that weekend with a degree of sanity and in relative safety. In fact, most everyone would likely want to avoid these seven things throughout most of the December in question and likely for the duration of that entire winter season, particularly if the Nibiru theory turned out to be fueled by Red Bull and bong water.
Ozzy Osbourne. Yes, of course we all love Ozzy, with his bizarre ways and willingness to demonstrate the ill effects of severe drug abuse over much of the 20th Century, but we have to conclude that avoiding Ozzy during this timeframe would be a good idea. It isn’t that Ozzy himself will be a particularly monumental player in the scheme of things, unless it is truly the end of the world, which means Ozzy will battle Willem Defoe and the reigning Elvis impersonator/chainsaw juggler/fire eater (Ohio Chapter) in a steel cage match. If that’s the case, you won’t want to miss that. But otherwise, keep your distance from Ozzy, as those who tend to gravitate to him are surely going to entertain the variations of the prophecy to at least a moderate extent. There are already rumors of shady scammers setting up booths near and around Ozzy concert locations where Nibiru meteorites are being sold with claims that they’ll glow like Kryptonite when the actual errant planet is about to whack us. Many life-long fans of Jefferson Airplane state that the glow will not be able to be seen with the naked eye, so don’t bother. Besides, they say, by then, it’d be too late anyway. The reasons mount, as some experts predict that most Ozzy fans are likely to fan the flames by exhibiting large amounts of magnetic piercing jewelry in the attempt to aggravate the geomagnetic reversal.
Renaissance Fairs. It comes highly recommended that everyone avoids Renaissance Fairs during the time frames near the infamous date in question. These affairs are sure to contain large numbers of swords and other metallic weapons, as well as a lot of pewter. If there’s a shift in the geomagnetic field or if Nibiru crashes into this planet, there’s likely a lot of metal to be flying about, some of it chain mail, and someone is going to lose an eye. Star Trek conventions should also be avoided for similar reasons, and because Star Trek Conventions and Renaissance Fairs are so similar in context while dissimilar in content, we decided to combine them into one (sort of) thing to avoid. The Star Trek Conventions should be avoided specifically at that time, however, because there is always someone who desires to solve major problems by attempting to modify the main deflector to emit an inverse tachyon pulse. We doubt that it would help and just simply inspire false hope, forcing people to remain in danger of flying chain mail. Besides, inverse tachyon pulses affect the reproductive abilities of exposed adolescents, likely to bring them anxiety later in life. By that, we don’t mean that it is limited to only adolescents who expose themselves (and we do not recommend or condone such behavior) but how it affects adolescents exposed to inverse tachyon pulses. Besides, there is evidence to support the theory that inverse tachyon pulses cause fluxes in the space/time continuum, so that might prompt immature conclusions of prophesied occurrences.
Processed Meats and Chocolate. There is mounting evidence suggesting that processed meats such as bologna, hot dogs, and similar meats (well, Hot Italian Sausage is okay, because it rocks) are a leading cause of significant health problems in many people, and some experts state that these sorts of processed foods are a health crisis culprit. Not only that, but if there does prove to be a potential geomagnetic reversal or Galactic Alignment, the nitrates and high concentrations of sodium in these products might swell numerous times their original size and weight, and the molecular construction of these ingredients might actually create a sort of magnetic attraction to Nibiru and cause consumers of these products to fly off the planet and zoom into the atmosphere if Nibiru only near-misses us. Now, before you go on to think of that as a good thing and start sending cold-cut meat baskets to those you dislike, consider the potential for magnetically charged bodies (most of which will likely be hefty) flying through the air, hitting power lines and knocking out cell coverage. As for the chocolate, most of us are aware that chocolate causes high levels of serotonin and other neurotransmitters that might prompt nice people to join in on hot dog eating contests, and then the problems will only escalate. Hey, it could happen, so trust us on this one, as these things are at least as likely as errant planets hitting us when we’re not looking.
Particle Colliders. Part of the problem with Particle Colliders is that they produce a lot of antimatter, and there are scientists who predict that Nibiru has a molten core comprised purely of antimatter. Now, since our planet’s molten core is made up mostly of lava, iron, and hematite that is cooled with large amounts of dinosaur soup (crude oil, gang) and sea water, then we could end up with some spectacular events if Nibiru’s molten core comes within .8 AU (AU is the term for Astronomical Units, or the distance of the Sun from the Earth) of our world, as all of these Terran composites are matter, regardless of their makeup. So, as we all know, matter and antimatter colliding will likely cause enormous earthquakes, tsunamis, and other severe weather mishaps, not excluding an explosion that might prompt our sun to go nova. But, when these phenomena come too close to particle colliders, gravitational pulls will undulate, causing severe nausea and gastronomical discomfort that could be exacerbated by processed meats. Therefore, one should remain well away from particle colliders and eat healthy, natural foods that are rich in calcium and fiber, like celery. Large quantities of celery (try it with peanut butter!) in one’s system might minimize the effects of the remainder of the planet’s destruction, leaving one at a slightly higher survival rate even though internet service will be temporarily disrupted.
Shopping Malls. We have to accept the fact that the infamous date in question just happens to fall on and near the dates when people are going to be doing a lot of shopping. Therefore, there are going to be a lot of kooky people running around and being quite aggressive in their shopping habits, as they’re going to demand extraordinary deals on whatever electronic products that will be popular at the time, and then these products will be negatively affected by the oncoming Nibiru, which may give off atmospheric gases thought to cause temporary zombie effects on people mentally stimulated by the mentioned electronics. Dear friends, you don’t want to be bogged down in a shopping mall that is suddenly inundated by large amounts of brain-crunching zombies. Traffic congestion will surely be a nightmare, and there are always ample amounts of whiners who feel queasy about running down ambling zombies in the parking lot. Besides, these zombies will likely be chock-full of chocolate and processed meats as well as affected by the quirky effects of the electronics gone awry, so their bodies will hang up under the frames of hybrid automobiles, which are notorious for being too low. As you can surely predict, good people could easily be trapped on the mall property after all the exits are bogged down with hybrids that don’t have all the wheels touching the asphalt. So, do your shopping well before the first week of December, although you should avoid Black Friday, as that particular shopping madness day will be a cacophony of crazies, whether they are zombies or not.
Central Florida. Because some philosophers predict that 12/21/2012 will be the date when a Timewave Zero will occur, which is a bizarre phenomenon postulated that describes when there will be a universal singularity, opening up the possibility of all laws of physics being suspended so that anything and everything that can be imagined, will happen. Well, since Central Florida is home to a lot of fantastic occurrences, such as giant mute animals that nod a lot and fake silent laughs when signing autographs, as well as quirky stage shows featuring clowns and bald, blue men, there is a chance these animals might go crazy and start eating brains after being turned into zombies. There is also the potential for the large number of artificial time machines out and about might actually be able to go back in time, thereby causing severe space/time continuum anomalies and odd paradoxes going back to a time when Sid & Marty Krofft were popular to the children of parents who consumed hallucinogenic drugs. Then, because of the opened timewaves, the Grinch might find this a perfect opportunity to go back and dismantle the factories that produce and distribute large amounts of Who Hash. The mounting problem is that Central Florida is full of things of pure fantasy, and if we are caught in a place where fantasy could be blended with actuality due to some sort of Timewave Zero, along with ample availability of time machines, then all sorts of crazy antics could occur at Pink Floyd concerts throughout the seventies. We simply cannot let that happen during a period when Jimmy Carter is president and expect to get away with it.
Words with Silent Consonants. Because of the startling fact that words with silent letters were created by evil creatures from a parallel universe in the hopes of developing tears in the space/time continuum whenever these words are written or uttered (the fact that many philosophies, studies of the mind, and mind-altering drugs containing silent letters is not a coincidence), the proximity of Nibiru to Earth along with a Timewave Zero occurring at several paradoxical levels as well as processed meats attaining a lurid state of tumescence all over the place might cause a premature Galactic Alignment shift, the spread of zombieism, and inappropriately long sentences that have to be read and reread to be understood by those suffering with ADHD and Restless Leg Syndrome. So, we recommend that from this point forward, everyone should do what they can to avoid words with silent letters, and in particular, silent consonants. The only exception to this rule is that if words with silent letters must be used, they must be uttered in Pig-Latin, which is the official language designed to neutralize the parallel universe alien evil plots. We bring this to your attention because the evil effects of words with silent letters will be stronger as we reach the Timewave Zero timeframe.
So, there you have it. If you desire to avoid certain destruction, or the kooky spiritualistic effects of December 21st, 2012, we strongly recommend you print and memorize this article. Further, we recommend you read and study it carefully, and then forward it to all those whom you love and care about. Now is the time to make a difference, so if we can all come together and conquer this plot before it comes about in a bit more than two years, then we can turn this calamity into nothing more than another Y2K debacle. In fact, if December 21st, 2012 comes and passes with little or no disastrous effects, then you can rest assured that there were a lot of readers out there who heeded our warnings and followed this advice. But be warned. If things come and go nicely and you didn’t participate in this act to save the universe, then you will be ostracized in public by being forced to write on the board one thousand times, ‘I was too lazy to save the universe, so processed meats should go right to my thighs.’
So heed our seven things to avoid regarding the horrors of 2012, and live to ensure that someday there will be a remake of the movie, Amazon Women on the Moon.