Men’s fashion can be a tricky subject, and I am certainly no expert when it comes to keeping up with the trends. However, here are seven things that you will never see me wear.
Flip flops – I hate flip flops. I hate the way they fit between your toes. I hate the way they pop on the back of your heel as you walk. I hate the name. Flip flops are good for two things – To keep you from burning your feet on the sand at the beach, and to keep you from getting a fungus in a dorm room shower. I saw a guy at the gas station the other day and he was wearing a nice button-up shirt, long khaki pants, and flip flops. From the ankles up, he looked like a normal decent guy. From the ankles down, he looked like an idiot. Flip flops are stupid. Don’t wear them.
Scarves – Unless you are a doctor and your last name is Who, don’t do the scarf thing. You won’t look nearly as cool as you think you are. If you are worried about your neck getting cold, wear a tie.
Skinny jeans – Back in my day, some of us kids used to wear skin tight pants to run around in. They were called sweat pants and they look just as stupid on adults as do skinny jeans. Nobody wants to see your chicken legs. Even worse is when guys who have no business associating any part of their body with the word ‘skinny’ try to wear them.
Popped collar polo shirts – There was a period of time in the early 80’s where people would turn up the collars of their polo shirts. It was a very short period of time. The resulting look would cover the back of your neck like Darth Vader’s cape, but only if Vader was a frat boy who would wind up dropping out of college. This idiotic phenomenon has somehow found its way back into today’s retro-obsessed fashion. Go back and watch some of the classic 80’s teen movies and you’ll see that most of the people who wore popped collar were the villains who got their girlfriends stolen by the nerd.
Capri pants – Unless you are a matador, don’t wear these ridiculous looking things. Capri pants are for women. There, I said it. These things are too long to be shorts and too short to be pants and no self-respecting man should be caught dead in them. I’ve also heard them called manpris, and that almost makes me want to cry, but I don’t because I am a man.
Scraggly beards – If you are incapable of growing a full, thick beard like a real man (example: Chuck Norris), then don’t bother. Nothing looks worse than a patchy beard full of bald spots. It looks like the mange. Dogs get put down for looking the same way.
Belt clip-ons – Unless you are a cop or a construction worker, there is no reason for you to have anything clipped onto your belt. This includes cell phones. If you can’t fit your phone in your pocket, then your pants are too tight, and I’ve already told you about skinny jeans. Even worse, if you walk around with a jumble of keys hanging off your belt, you better be carrying a mop, too.