Much has been written about how to have a successful date. Really, it’s not all that difficult. Use consideration and good manners and if the chemistry is present, the date will be both pleasant and memorable.
But, what if you want to ruin the evening? What if it is a blind date, arranged against your wishes? What if you were invited out by someone you dislike, but couldn’t think of a reason to refuse? What if you accepted the date on a dare, but want make sure your partner for the evening does want a repeat performance?
There are many ways and means of ruining a date. Often it happens by chance. If you set out to do it deliberately, you can be really outrageous. Adopt an alternate persona for the evening and play the conceited narcissist to the hilt.
* Be late. I don’t mean only a few minutes late; I mean a half hour to an hour late. Let your date wait to enjoy the pleasure of your company. Then, make an entrance, sweep into the room like the heir apparent to the throne. Never apologize.
* Don’t worry about your appearance. As long as you’ve had a bath or shower within the last week or two, that should be fine. Hair length or style is unimportant. Today, anything goes. If your scalp, or anything else itches, scratch it. Remark that modern trends favor returning to the natural.
* Wear something showy, a sequined gold shirt, a skirt with a slit to the waist, anything to capture attention. The more stares you can attract, the better. You don’t want your date to think you are an insignificant nobody.
* Show as much skin as possible. Only keep enough covered to avoid arrest. Tattoos are interesting and can only add to your charm. Face metal, nose rings, earrings, nipple rings, and any other assorted piercings will enhance your appeal even further. A word of caution: it might be wise to avoid any magnets in the immediate environment.
* Talk about yourself all evening. If your date has any class, he or she will be eager to learn about every incident in your life thus far. Make the evening a success, relate every little detail that you can remember. If you run out of material, use your imagination.
* Be sure to talk about all the dates you’ve ever had. Criticize every person with whom you’ve ever been out. Of course, you will sound like perfection on two feet compared to those lesser creatures.
* Keep your cell phone turned on; there might be an important call. Do not cut any conversations short out of consideration for your date. He or she will have to learn to take their rightful place in the lineup for your attention.
* Use all the unsuitable language you can think of; curse, swear, tell dirty jokes and make ethnic slurs. If you have to burp or pass gas, don’t hold back. Use the old “back to nature” explanation.
* Discuss your medical history at length, also the progress you are making in therapy. Your date will be impressed to know how far you have come, and how you are slowly but surely overcoming your psychopathic tendencies.
* End the evening early. Hint that you have another hot date who finishes work at midnight and that you don’t want to be late for that rendezvous. Expand on the outstanding appearance and sterling qualities of the next seeker for your affection, then proceed to rush home while consulting your watch consistently and ignoring traffic laws.
Unless your date has the I.Q. of a rock, he or she would not accept an invitation for a second date with you, even if you were to beg for one on bended knee. In fact, when word gets around about the quality of an evening spent in your company, you may have to look for your next date in a neighboring country.
There will be no more blind dates arranged for you; no one will ask you out; no one will even dare you to go on a date. Silence and peace will reign supreme over your social life, and you’ll know you have done a splendid job.
Could it be that your performance was a little too convincing?